so....what now????

i want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask

2009-10-21T15:16:00.003-05:00

i really enjoy looking back on old blogs. it's just so cool sometimes to read what i wrote a month or a year or several years ago. it's mostly cool because, a lot of the time, i look at me-four-years-ago as a completely other person. but when i read what i wrote from then to now, i remember the story part of it. i remember what was going on in my heart and mind during the whole time that i was changing from that girl into this one. it's kind of awesome to be reminded of what the journey was like. i think we forget that part a lot...we tend to say, "i was x, y, and z; now God has transformed me into l, m, and n!" and yes, it's true, that did happen. but stories, whether in books or movies or plays or operas, are endearing because of the middle part. you can read what happens in the beginning and end on the back cover of a book, or on imdb for a movie. the middle is the meat of the story. it's the transformation of a character, or characters.
i like the middle of the story. i think we all do (if i'm wrong, so sue me. i said "i think"). i think maybe we like the middle because it's relevant to what's going on in our lives. generally speaking, none of us are really at the very beginning or very end of our story. we're all somewhere in the middle. maybe we know what's coming and what to do next, or maybe we have no idea. but we identify with the character when they're in the middle, because that's where we are.
so, i think i like re-reading old blogs because it reminds me of earlier parts of my middle story. plus, it makes my story a lot more interesting to tell to others. no one actually cares much for the factoids (where i was born, where i live now, what college i go to); they want to know what happened in between, and what's happening now, since i'm still living the middle story.

that whole blog just got way more philosophical than it was intended at the beginning. oh well, that's usually how my blogs end up. i would know, because i like to re-read them. did i mention that?

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air

2009-10-16T23:31:00.002-05:00

we've all watched tv shows about doctors. ER, grey's, house, what have you. patients are in need of healing, and are brought into the office (or emergency room) for exactly that. but have you ever seen the episode where the patient is so busy complaining about how much things hurt that they can't let the doctor do their healing thing? maybe they won't sign a form, or tell the doctor to send them home because they're "fine." i don't know, i can't remember how it goes. but there's always that character who ends up being killed or seriously hurt because they get caught up in a)complaining about the pain and/or b)covering up the real cause of their injury/disease.

don't you kind of want to yell at the tv and tell them to just give up already so the doctor can start treating them? don't you think they're kind of stupid?

this happens in real life sometimes. in medical situations, of course, but that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking more about our spiritual lives, and our inefficiency at allowing fellow Christians to help us through them. yes, a walk with God means having a relationship that's between you and Him. but it also means interacting with other members of His creation. it means allowing them to help you when you struggle.

i'm often guilty of...

...telling people everything's fine when it's really very not fine.
...lying about or concealing the true cause of my struggles because i'm ashamed.
...complaining about my problems but not doing anything about them, and not letting others help me with them.

for the record, this is in fact quite stupid. i am often the stupid person in the ER who won't let the nurse put in the IV because needles freak her out. many people i know are often this stupid person as well. sometimes i feel like yelling at myself or them, the same way i feel like yelling at the tv. because it's stupid, and it does absolutely no good for anyone.

just so we're clear.

i see trees of green, red roses too...

2009-08-06T19:15:00.003-05:00

okay, yes, i realize it has been forever and a half since i have written here. it's weird, finally getting back to it. i've missed blogging, i think.

i started rereading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" in the past week or so. i can never remember if i actually finished it before (i have a bad habit of getting 3/4 of the way through a book and then starting a new one), but i've gotten pretty far in it. mostly because i've been reading a little bit every day. i've decided that i'm a fan. i also have his "Searching for God Knows What" but i've never read a single word of that one. i think it is the next book on my agenda.

i've also been attempting to reread Les Miserables. this one will take much longer than a week or two to get through. i'm still in part two of book one. there's just so much to grasp, i feel like i have to take it in very slowly. but i have decided that i love this book just as much as i thought i did nearly ten years ago when i read if for the first time. there are so many small nuances and ironies that i never could have noticed at the age of 12. Hugo's pretty awesome. i approve. even though i already thought i did, now i know i do.

life's been really weird for the past...year, i guess, since i last wrote. i've made a lot of changes--i am a really fickle person. like, REALLY fickle. i can't figure out for the life of me what i want to do with my life. but that's okay. i'm learning that that's okay. i know people have told me that before, but now i'm learning through experience that it really is okay not to know. i like that it's okay not to know...it means i have to depend on Christ a lot more, which of course is a blow to my pride because i like to depend on noone but myself. i also like it cause i get to dream, the way i did when i was little. back when people just understood that every day you were going to have a different life plan in mind. today i want to be a doctor, tomorrow i will want to be an astronaut, and the next day i will think it is the bomb to be an old cat lady. this is really how it goes. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised.

yep, i was right. i missed blogging.

this time we're not giving up. let's make this last forever, screaming, hallelujah...we'll make it last forever.

2008-05-22T00:30:00.004-05:00

what's been on my mind, in a kind of nutshell...

...i love my car...LOVE it. but it gets terrible gas mileage and is becoming a real problem financially. i've spoken to my dad about it and we are probably going to take a little trip on friday to see what's out there that gets great gas mileage and won't be ridiculously expensive. plus i don't need a new car...just new to me...cause any car i get is gonna get beaten up a little bit in college parking lots. no point getting something brand new.

...i have a paper due saturday and am half excited and half scared about writing it. i have started the brainstorming process and it could potentially be a really good paper...or it could totally suck. we shall see.

...i really need to find a summer job. if you know of anyone who's hiring, please let me know...i'm really hoping that lewisville hospital will hire me for one of the 5 million jobs i applied for but we shall see.

...i have completely over-scheduled my summer. i have summer school, (hopefully) work, my brother's wedding, and some serious hard core studying for my NET test which i plan to take in the fall. i'm pretty scared cause my score on that test weighs pretty heavily in my admission or rejection from nursing school. good thing my list of nursing schools to apply at is up to 17...14 of which are in the state of texas.

...maybe it's just part of growing up, but most of my life lately is just business. all i talk about is school, work, and financial issues. maybe that's why extracurriculars are so great...except i don't have any extracurriculars. don't have time for them. i don't want my life to be just all-business all the time. i want more than that.

maura update

2008-05-12T23:42:00.004-05:00

i'm not sure whether anyone who reads this knows Maura de Souza, but i'm posting here anyway. the following is a blog giving frequent updates on Maura's condition:

www.mauraupdate.blogspot.com

let's continue to pray for Maura's health.

i don't mind singing

2008-04-28T00:54:00.003-05:00

so for the past week or two i've been really emotional and overly worrisome. some old wounds have been reopened and the healing process is difficult. and ultimately, i know it's not the wisest thing in the world to dwell on stuff like that. but i am guilty of it anyway. i had kind of been bottling it up, and i finally talked to a good friend about it. she said she noticed the way i'd been acting and she had guessed the cause of it. and, over the course of the conversation, one thing she said really stood out:

"haven't you heard of that calming peace only Christ can give you?"

wow. i was just like...yeah, of course i've heard of it. i've experienced it before. but what she said really hit me hard because i know what she was getting at, and i know that she is right. i have not been leaning on Him for peace and comfort and hope, and all the other wonderful blessings He gives. i am well aware that this is a habit of mine. i go through phases: i start out fine. but then hard times happen, and i am far too proud to admit that i NEED His peace. i try to work it all out on my own...which of course doesn't work. and inevitably, the Lord calls to my heart, telling me what i should know by now: what He offers is far better.

vicious cycle, anyone??

i hate that i keep getting caught in this cycle. but, there is one part of it that i am thankful for: the Lord always calls out to me. just because i ignore him doesn't mean He ignores me. that's pretty great. so...the situations that caused my worry still exist. but the Lord called out to my heart today. and, i mean...how freaking amazing is that?!?!

when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am

2008-03-26T22:01:00.003-05:00

i know it's still a year away, but...

nursing school is starting to become much more real to me. i'm spending a lot of time researching different schools all across texas, plus a few in tennessee. the terrifying reality that i have to apply in december is finally hitting me. i feel like i have so much to do, and not nearly enough time to do it in. frankly, i am pretty terrified. i know how competitive admissions can get with nursing school. i also have some friends who spent years applying before they finally got into nursing school. that's...scary.

so i'm calling on the One who drives away all my doubts and fears. i've gotta say, i'm pretty confident He can drive them away this time just like He always has before, and i'm pretty confident He will provide better than i expect just like He always has before. yeah, my Saviour's pretty awesome like that. :)

wherever you are, you're never close enough.

2008-02-10T23:54:00.000-06:00

today was both great and terrible. i don't really know what to think, actually. part of me is just in this really great mood because of how much awesome stuff happened today. another part of me is really frustrated, angry, and sad because of how much really awful stuff happened today. i cried in front of some friends of mine, and i'm not one to cry in front of others. but i'm glad they were there, because i didn't want to be alone this time.

it just goes to show that you can't really depend on emotions. sometimes they conflict, and they can change at any instant. i don't really like emotions that much. so...i'm really glad i can just rely on the Lord instead of on how i feel. it makes me feel safer knowing that He loves me and is totally constant despite how terribly inconstant i am. i'm glad i can trust in my Saviour.

O to Grace how great a debtor daily i'm constrained to be.

2008-02-05T09:52:00.001-06:00

i can't believe this is my first post of the new year--how is it february already?!?! time is flying by way too fast for my liking. there has been SO much on my mind lately, and i wish i could write it all down here. unfortunately i can't...but i'll write a little bit.

yesterday i was struggling with a couple of issues that, in hindsight, seem kind of silly--basically because my mind was completely focused on myself and my plan for how my life should go. but then i got called in to work (i've been working as a substitute caregiver for Weekday Ministries at a local church). they needed me in the crib room yesterday, and i was pretty excited. as always, it was a very enjoyable experience because i completely love those kids.

anyway, moral of the story...i was sitting in a rocking chair holding an eight-week-old girl, and she looked right into my eyes and smiled. and then i started to think: all of these kids were depending on myself and the other worker there to take care of them until their parents showed up. each of them is a gift from God to their parents. i couldn't focus on myself if i wanted to do my job right. i knew, once i started thinking, that in my daily life i have been focusing on myself far too much.

so i've been reflecting on all of this since that moment. i'm trying to realign my focus on Christ and i'm trying to remember His plan is better. and, well...that's me right now. to write what's been going on in my life for the past month would take forever, but that's what i'm going through today.

it's time to move on, time to get goin'...

2007-12-31T11:14:00.000-06:00

in the spirit of New Year's Eve, i feel the need to reflect on the past year.

i don't think there has ever been a year of more growth or change in my life. the whole way i live my life has been, and is still being, radically renovated. i really like that. i had to learn some lessons the hard way earlier on this year, and if i didn't still remember how difficult things were a few months ago, i might laugh looking back. the person i was this spring/summer and the person i am now are almost opposites. so many of even my basic ideas have been turned upside down, and i know that was by Christ. He put me deep in situations i had never been in before, knowing full well that He could get me through them--but still having to trust that knowledge. the whole head-to-heart things came into play more than once. trust in God was more or less the "theme" of my life this year...so much so that the tattoo i'm considering is the aramaic word for trust used in Daniel, talking about the great trust Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had when they refused to bow down and then entered the fire.

as i leave 2007 behind, i also leave flower mound once more. i have known this was coming for a while now, and i made myself a promise: don't detach from this place before you leave it. don't disconnect too early...instead, be where you are while you are there. i think that for the most part, by the power of Christ, i have done that. i have had some amazing experiences and learned some incredible lessons because of it. one of those many lessons was how to better trust my Saviour. another lessons dealt with showing me how much i still think of me first...and how to try and change that too.
anyway...i've stayed here. in fact, i've still got another week or two before leaving. i wouldn't be surprised if they prove the most challenging yet. but because of what the Lord has shown me, i do not face the coming weeks and months (which i'm sure will be full of more growth and change) in fear. i face them with...dare i say it?...courage, i think. but it's an unfamiliar courage--something not of myself. something from God.
experiencing a gift such as this really makes me fall even more in love with my Jesus. and, frankly, it's teaching me how to love my family and friends more. trust me, i'm still working out the kinks...but i'm learning.

sometimes i don't feel ready to leave this year or this town. but the truth is...i am so ready. bring it on, 2008! i expect this year will be pretty great.

oh Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight

2007-12-28T12:00:00.000-06:00

i want to write. really.

i've opened up this page so many times to start a post. i have a lot to say, and i'd like a chance to say it.

but for some reason i can't. don't ask me why...i have no idea. it's just been one of those weeks where i just can't write, no matter how much i try. whether it's a blog, journal entry, etc...i just open up the blank page, freeze up, and close it right back.

i think i've been doing that with more than just my writing lately. i don't know what my deal is, honestly. maybe there are some things this week that i'm just afraid to start.

time for some self-reflection??? i'm thinking yes.

frustrated in flower mound

2007-12-22T00:02:00.001-06:00

my health issues have become a bit overwhelming lately.

just had a procedure done yesterday confirming that i have a stomach ulcer. i'll be starting the medication for that tomorrow.

i am insulin resistant, which means i am at great risk for developing type II diabetes later in life. i have had so many different doctors' opinions on this that it makes my head spin. first i was told i did not have diabetes...then i was told i did. i've been on at least 8 different medications, all of which either didn't work or had undesirable side effects. the most recent, and most common, opinion is that i do NOT have diabetes, but am definitely insulin resistant and therefore at risk.
this, along with some other health complications, makes it very easy for me to gain weight and very difficult for me to lose it. naturally, the weight gain caused by these problems just makes them all worse, which causes more of the weight gain and all the other not-so-fun symptoms of insulin resistance... vicious cycle.

i have had sleep problems for as long as i can remember. i was recently put on medications that REALLY help with that issue.

since i got back from freshman year i have been really fighting to lose weight and get in control of my health. it's been a difficult battle because of the complications with my medications.

irony? i am finally starting to get my lifestyle in order for my health...and i'm actually gaining weight. care to guess why???

because that sleep medication--the one that works so well--just HAPPENS to also cause severe weight gain.

...that's just fabulous.

i am frustrated.

and all in all...yes, i know that God is in control. and yes, i finally have a doctor who is doing all he can to work with me on this. i'm changing, i'm adapting, and i'm growing. and all in all, i am learning more and more how to take care of my health bette...which is a very good thing. and i trust the Lord with all of this.

but today i am frustrated and tired. i am okay, i don't doubt the Lord's ability to get me through any situation, and i am not without great joy because of all He has done for me. today i am just tired. that's all. just...tired.

wanna hear a funny story??

2007-12-12T21:17:00.000-06:00

today started out fairly normal. i woke up, got ready for the day, and drove to school to take my last final exam of the semester--Anatomy and Physiology. i remember it was really difficult, and i was the first person to finish so i was kind of scared that maybe i didn't think things through enough. however, i was incredibly drowsy, and i honestly could not tell you what any of the test questions were. i'm surprised i didn't fall asleep right there taking the test.

when i came home, i went straight to bed. i'm pretty sure that i was out the moment my head hit the pillow. i must have been even more tired than i thought, and i must have been sleeping pretty hard.

now, in hindsight, i can tell you a vague idea of what i remember of this morning. but when i awoke from my nap at 12:30 i looked at the clock and literally started bawling. i forgot i had already taken the test...i was freaking out, just sure that i would have a zero on my final and end up failing the class. i ran downstairs and asked my mom why she didn't come make sure i was up in time for my final, and then SHE started freaking out. she kept saying that she remembered hearing me leave and come home this morning. so...we're both crying, and suddenly it dawns on me...i've already taken the test. then, of course, once i figured that out my mom started yelling at me for scaring her like that. i think both of us came very close to a heart attack...

so, it's funny now...but those were possibly the most awful five minutes of the semester.

not a fan of finals week

2007-12-10T01:53:00.000-06:00

so, today was not a great day. and i can't deny that i am very frustrated, with myself and with certain circumstances.

it is really tempting, not to mention easy, to indulge in that frustration. dwell in it. let it simmer a little bit until it turns into bitterness, because instead of changing the situation i'm just frustrated with it. yeah...that would be really easy. it's also very tempting to use this moment to vent. i could discuss my various frustrations...but...well, somehow that just doesn't sound very productive or beneficial.

i don't want to dwell, and i don't want to let it simmer. i mean, well, i guess i kind of do. but i know that the outcome of that is way less than desirable. what i want is to choose Christ and forget about myself and my own frustrations. what i want, when i really think about it, is to just not bother with the emotions and stress and all that. i would really rather take the peace of the Lord right now. i would really, really like that.

so...i'm thinking that peace is what i'll pursue.

welcome to the calm before the storm hits

2007-12-08T16:58:00.000-06:00

more musings from otherwise boring driving time...

i'm wondering if maybe our culture doesn't know how to appreciate silence and stillness. we're very busy people...Busy is our middle name. i noticed this is myself as i was driving.

daily car routine: start car, fasten seatbelt, turn on radio/cd/ipod...then drive. listen to/sing along with said music, reach destination, park, unfasten seatbelt, turn radio off, and get out of car.
it is also customary to listen to the ipod while exercising, and play music from my computer whenever i'm doing homework.

any moment that i am still, i listen to music. and any moment that it is quiet, i am moving. i never appreciate still silence. somehow i think i am not the only one who does this...

don't get me wrong, i cherish those moments when i can be still. but i don't really seek them out. there's an awkwardness to silence and stillness. and people are usually not big fans of awkwardness.

from these observations, i wonder...just how much are we missing out on by not seeking out silence? sometimes, for me, those silent and still moments are usually times that God speaks and moves. or rather, since i'm being silent and still, i can focus on appreciating how He works. and in the moments when i am constantly moving/talking/listening to music, sometimes i push Him aside a little bit. not to say that there is anything wrong with music or communication or movement...of course not. i'm talking in circles...

i just think that i don't seek out silence, and i think part of that might be because i don't always want to listen. and i think that i don't seek out stillness, and part of that might be because i don't always want to see the Lord move. i want to turn those things around. i want to seek out silence and stillness and turn my eyes upon Jesus.
i want to enjoy the rests in life, as well as the melodies.. because it takes both to make the song.

"it comes down to the moment when faith eclipses fear"

2007-12-05T22:41:00.000-06:00

another day that i just need to write.

God is very good. really. i have been blessed with this amazing group of sixth grade girls to walk alongside for the past semester. frankly, i'm going to miss them a lot. as always, God has managed to use them to change me in radical ways...and i like it. i mean, the whole process of change is not exactly fun. but i like who i am on the other side of it.

i've noticed some particular things Christ is doing in me with these girls...i really like who i am with them. i think that the times i am with them are some of those rare occasions where i glimpse the woman God is moulding me into--while still, at the same time, being humbled by how much i have yet to learn.
i am pretty confident that teaching just isn't my gift. however, i also know that God can use people as teachers who aren't necessarily gifted at teaching. that's pretty humbling, too.
i never was much for praying aloud. it was always so awkward for me and i kind of hated it. i suppose i was worried about saying the right things since other people were listening. funny...cause i know that the opinion of the One i pray to matters a lot more than those of the people around me. i think that's one of those head-to-heart things i've been working on. now, it still makes me a little nervous to pray in front of people. but i find myself more and more open to it. and through the situations that i have prayed aloud with a group or just one other person, God has taught me how valuable a time that can be, and how many walls can be broken down between friends when they open their hearts to God in front of one another. i think those are some of my favorite "beautiful moments."

i caught a glimpse of more than one beautiful moment tonight. it was amazing...and reminded me again just how good God is. the first beautiful moment was when i got to spend a half hour or so talking to an old friend and hearing about the amazing works God is doing in her life. i have known her for a long time and it is amazing to see the radical changes God has made in her. she is so beautiful. next, i got to spend some precious time with my small group for our last night of bible study together. i think tonight was the first time they finally all opened up and just talked about their relationships with God. that was beautiful, too.

i think that i would like to sit down to coffee with each of those girls as often as i can in the coming months/years/whatever to reconnect. i expect great things from each of them, and i am thrilled to see how Christ will mould them.

change may be difficult...but the result is truly beautiful.

"this is a tune for the Velvet Elvises"

2007-11-29T00:12:00.000-06:00

it's 12:15 in the morning...

i still have homework i need to do...

and i don't think i really have anything in particular to write about...

but i'm just in one of those writing moods. so here goes.

today during my hour drive home from school, i got to thinking: why do we expect maturity out of others, but never exhibit it? why do we love stories about people who grow and change, but are too stubborn to change ourselves?

when someone watches a movie or reads a book, they expect the main character to be different at the end than they were at the beginning. a character that remains static is boring. you change the channel, or put down the book for a new one. why? because we expect people to learn from their experiences and adapt accordingly. we expect it of people in stories, and we expect it of those around us, because it's part of the human condition: we're not perfect, and we're learning new things all the time. but if you learn something and never apply it...well, there's no reason to have learned it. kind of like the classic high schooler's response to math:"when am I EVER going to use this in my life?"...i know i've said it before. i said it because i don't want to waste time learning something i can't use down the road.

so, okay, i've established the point: people expect other people to change.

but i don't think we ever expect ourselves to. while we may whine and ask for an opportunity to be offered, when the opportunity arises we say, "hmmm, i actually think i'm just going to stay where i am. it's nice here. i don't need this change." we may SAY we need to grow, but the fact is that we don't want to. so that brings me to my original question: why do we expect growth/change/maturity out of everyone BUT ourselves?

honestly, i think it's because we're lazy. we like the way things are and when it comes down to it, we don't feel like giving the necessary effort to make important changes in our lives. we don't want to grow up (and yet, of course, we are offended whenever people tell us that we need to). and i don't like that...especially because i know i'm guilty of it too.

just some food for thought. i could write a lot more, but that whole homework thing (plus that whole sleep thing) tells me i should save this for another time.

funny moments :)

2007-11-13T22:27:00.000-06:00

so...

do you ever have one of those moments where you're thinking about something really important, and keep thinking about it and analyzing the situation, and make plans in your head of what you need to do by a certain day and time...

...and then get distracted and COMPLETELY forget what you were thinking about? and the only thing you remember is that it was really important? and it makes you worried because you can't figure out what was so important?

that just happened to me. frustrating. and rather exhausting, actually.

something new.

2007-11-09T22:06:00.000-06:00

i step off the beaten path. i don't bother to look behind; what is ahead is too intriguing. further and further into the woods i delve, listening to its chirps and bellows, breathing the misty air, feeling branches push past me. it seems quite nice, so i decide to stay. but i cannot stop--i must go deeper.

i look down and notice scrapes on my arms...the vines that gather about me have sharp thorns. i begin to feel the sting but must travel on further.

i stumble a few times. once--or is it twice?--i trip over a branch, falling on my arm. i tell myself not to think about it...this adventure is worth a few scrapes and bruises.

the air is hot and dense, and breathing is difficult. sweat comingles with the blood on my arms and face. a certain type of panic runs through me. my heart beats faster...and yet, surely that is a clearing ahead. i will press on.

darkness now engulfs me. it is not raining but i am drenched in blood and sweat. i fall to my knees and hope that my weeping might wash my face clean. and now i see: i am filthy. dirt covers me head to toe, and my arm hurts from my fall. on my knees, i see that my scrapes have become large wounds. my bruises are worse now. was it worth the adventure to feel this?

i finally look up from my weeping. i glance to my side, and He smiles. He is covered in blood. no...He is covered in MY blood. His robes are tattered and torn. He puts His hand on my shoulder and looks into my eyes. i try to look away, but then...yes...He is weeping too. why is He weeping? this man, this man who has so much of my blood on Him...why?

but now...He...He embraces me. i don't think anyone has ever embraced me like this. He weeps, and embraces me...why? and now He says my name, so gently...and i relax, i fall into His arms at last. no longer do i weep, nor He. we stand--no, He stands, and lifts me. and smiles. oh, that beautiful smile! i begin to smile too, until i look back at my torn body. it is so unclean. He is carrying me--but no! i will make Him more filthy, with my blood, with my sweat! this pure shining man with dirty robes, and i am sure they were pure white once. and they are not now!! because of me!! no, He must stop, He must put me down...

He turns my face once more toward His. He whispers sweet kindnesses in my ear. I cannot take my gaze off of Him, not even for a moment. He sets me down once more; i am in a stream. and His robes! they are white as snow!! and now He is clean, and now, somehow...somehow i am clean! who is this man?

but i know who He is, and i fall to my knees once more. "Oh, Daddy..." i tell Him i'm sorry. i tell Him i'm grateful. and i ask Him the question...i ask Him why. He tells me...He tells me He loves me. He tells me i am His. He reminds me of the first time He carried me out from the forest. i begin to weep, but He lifts me up. He makes me stand and somehow in His gaze i find the power to stay upright and walk on.

"there's something about you--it's just the way you move, the way you move me..."

2007-11-08T09:24:00.000-06:00

so...i'm pretty awful at the whole self-discipline thing. i think i may have been better at it at one point in my life, but i'm really not good at it right now. i need to work on that. a lot. or rather...i need to let God work on that. a lot. i guess that's just one closet of my heart i haven't opened the door to for Him yet. so, this is me, opening it. i want to be renovated.

i think i'm pretty bad at loving people, too. i mean, i don't hate the world or anything like that. but i don't think i love as well as i should--the verb, not the emotion. i know i am called to love. i just don't always do it. of course, none of us humans ALWAYS love, and i'm pretty sure none of us has actually loved perfectly. that's kind of a God thing. but i would like to love more perfectly. more completely. you know...lay-down-my-life-for-another kind of love.

there's a very long list of things i'm bad at. i could list them all day and focus on myself and my inadequacies. or i can turn my eyes upon Jesus, knowing that He overcomes all my insufficiencies and uses me for His glory. which, frankly, is pretty much amazing. not just amazing...captivating. i'm captivated by my Saviour. pretty cool stuff, man.

"she's a heck of a girl with no cares in the world, and she likes it that way."

2007-11-05T15:48:00.000-06:00

i've been re-evaluating my motivations. i'm a sinner, so i know they're not all pure. but the whole thing about being transformed from the inside out...well, it's true. you can't change your actions first and expect your heart to fall in line, because that's just you trying to do it on your own. but changing your heart first...well, that's a challenge. cause, see, we aren't the ones doing the changing. we're allowing Christ to make changes. renovate, really. He's renovating us. when we let Him.

i want to be renovated. a metamorphosis, that's what i'm lookin for. not because i need something new in my life or because i want to be noticed as an individual; but rather, it is because i know that as a Christian i am dead to my old self...which means the new self should be different. and, you know, alive.

i want to live. like, abundant life kind of living. the kind of living that requires me to let go of what i want and follow the will of the Lord. i want to want Him more, and i want to want the same things He wants for me. that's a lot of wanting...

i think i use the word "need" in places i should just say "want". i say i "need" something because that's a stronger word. but, i mean...to need something means you cannot live without it. there are an awful lot of things in my life that i think i need, but in reality i could very well live without. i WANT a candy bar...i WANT to sleep in rather than go to class...i WANT to buy that movie i really like...i WANT more clothes...etc.

i NEED Christ...i NEED...um...well...actually, that's all. sure, okay, my body needs food and sleep and all that to keep it alive. but on the most basic level, there's only one thing i need, and that's my Saviour.

i also think that i often confuse "uncomfortable" with "bad". i know i've talked a lot about comfort zones, and trying to get out of them more. but really...uncomfortable doesn't mean bad. it means unpleasant. and just because something is unpleasant doesn't mean i should just exclude that from my life. for example, i went to huntsville this weekend. on sunday, i visited an episcopal church with my friends meagan and joe. now, i've never been to an episcopal worship service, and i must say i was very uncomfortable. the people were great. they were really friendly and seem to really love God. but it was...awkward. because it's something i'm not used to. actually, i think that situation is what really got me thinking on this whole subject. so i've been trying to figure out how much of my not liking it was because i really didn't like it, and how much was because i was just really uncomfortable.

and what it has come down to is this: i don't necessarily agree with all of their practices, but i cannot judge the hearts of those people and i cannot deny how amazing it was for strangers to be so loving. it was an uncomfortable situation, but by no means a bad one. God still used that hour or so to teach me and to teach everyone else in that room. He was still glorified. He was as sovereign and majestic in that room as He is anywhere else i go. God doesn't change based on what building you are in or based on what songs you sing or based on the teaching style. He never changes, and He can always be praised and glorified.
now, that being said, i'm not sure that church was my cup of tea. i will keep looking around at the different churches in huntsville next semester to determine where i would like to attend. but i think what's really important is that i learned about God and myself, and i grew closer to Him. i am still learning and growing, and i sincerely hope the learning and growing continues. i think what's really important is that i know now (**not just in fact, but in experience**) that just because people differ in their preference of Sunday worship STYLE doesn't mean they worship a different GOD.

like i said...i'm re-evaluating my motivations. i expect more change and, frankly, i expect at least some of it to be awkward and uncomfortable. but hey, if a relationship with God were always safe and comfortable...well, i'm not sure that's the kind of God i would want to serve.

"such a reckless wave, drowning in wonder..."

2007-10-25T14:54:00.000-05:00

i know it's only october but...

winter is coming. i can feel it, taste it, smell it, breathe it...it's coming. there is just something familiar and comfortable about winter. especially this year...normally i'm kind of a grinch but i guess my heart multiplied in size over the past year. or, you know, i might just be happy it's winter. either way.

...the cold air is lovely. somehow it makes everything smell pleasant and makes me want to drink hot cocoa by the fireplace.
...i'm excited about wearing sweaters...especially the ones whose sleeves cover your hands halfway, so you can pull the ends around your hands if they get cold.
...i'm pretty sure that no matter how old i get, i will always think it's funny when i can see my breath on the cold air.

i love winter. i'm just so ready for it...it feels like something new is beginning, and that excites me. and trust me, that's a weird thing for me to say, because i'm usually Queen of the Change-Haters. i never was a big fan of newness...you know, comfort zones and all that. we all have them. but this year i like change, and i want something new, and i'm ready to be radically moved by Christ.

have i mentioned i'm ready for winter? cause i totally am.

"why would i ever worship wood and stone? things that cannot hear or speak at all?"

2007-10-24T14:03:00.000-05:00

i am in the middle of a "big life decision." i've kind of known for a while that i would have to make this decision, and i knew it would be right about now. but there are new variables i didn't expect.

i tend to overcomplicate decisions and forget to trust God...and some good friends have been reminding me a lot this year how important it really is to trust Him. so, in order to set myself a reminder, i've been drawing a symbol on my wrist: the Aramaic word 'rechats.' it means 'trust'...and it's specifically the word used in Daniel 3:28-29:

'Nebuchadnezzar responded and said, "Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, who has sent His angel and delivered His servants who put their trust [RECHATS] in Him, violating the king's command, and yielded up their bodies so as not to serve or worship any god except their own God. Therefore I make a decree that any people, nation or tongue that speaks anything offensive against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego shall be torn limb from limb and their houses reduced to a rubbish heap, inasmuch as there is no other god who is able to deliver in this way."'

i know that God is sovereign.
i know that no matter where i go next semester and in subsequent years, He is still by my side.
i know that the abundant life is not classified by a longitude and latitude.
i know that there is no other god who is able to deliver us the way my God can.
and i think i know what i want to do for next semester. i think it just scares me a little bit, because it's not going to be easy. and even though i know life is not supposed to just be easy, that doesn't make it any less scary.

so i'm going to look to what i know. there are a lot of things i don't know...but i can look to what i know.

"now you are a lioness. and now Narnia will be renewed. but come. we have no time to lose."

2007-10-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

there's so much on my heart today. i love moments like this.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." --Psalm 139:13-16
there are some things that have been engrained in me since i was very young. one is the idea that God wants to be a part of our lives because He loves us and wants a personal relationship with us. but do you know what i never really gave much thought to? the fact that He wants ME in HIS life. not needs...wants. which is just somehow way cooler. i mean...He wanted me so much that He made me one very certain and unique way. different from all the others in a way i don't understand.
people often say that we are all masterpieces...which is so true, and i love the imagery. but when i think about God wanting me and making me a certain way, for some reason i think of baking cookies. you get a craving for an exact flavor and texture; you know that you want cookies and you know exactly what kind you want. so you make them, and you throw in some extra ingredients not found in the recipe because you want them exactly the way you like them. you put tons of work into making them just right. and then you bake them, pull them out of the oven, let them cool, and enjoy them.
i guess what my weird analogy is trying to say is that God wants us, designs us exactly the way He wants and knows is best, puts plenty of work and love into making us perfectly according to the design...and then when the work is done, He wants to enjoy us. i mean...no one actually NEEDS cookies. but that doesn't mean we don't want them...

"A time is soon coming when we will all have to choose between what is right and what is easy." --J.K. Rowling
i think that very often in life we give up trying to make a change or get out of our comfort zone because it's a difficult thing to do, and we think that means we shouldn't do it. thing is, last i heard, "difficult" is not synonymous with "wrong." we like to imagine that when we are doing things right, everything will be easy and nothing will be unpleasant. i'm pretty sure that's not how it works. i'm also pretty sure that the only "good" thing about comfort zones is that they are comfortable. but even a nice big comfy couch gets really boring after a while if you never get up from it...

"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! if i should count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. when i awake, i am still with You." --psalm 139:17-18
God really does work in ways that are so much bigger than we could ever imagine. He really does things we can't understand, and He really loves us more than we will ever know.
He really is there.
He really doesn't have a smite button.
He really does have plans for you..."plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
He really does know you, and He really does care.
He really does want you for a lot more reasons than just to raise church attendance.
He really doesn't buy it when you try to be fake.
He really moves in the hearts of His beloved in radical ways.
He also really is even more excited than we are about spending eternity together. Course, He also has the upper hand on that one cause He knows just how much eternity's gonna rock. My bet is that it'll rock quite a bit...

can you ever just be 'whelmed'? i think you can in Europe...

2007-10-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

...i'm excited that i'm actually excited about music again.
...i need to go buy some essential school supplies. which is awesome...cause that's basically the only kind of shopping that i like!
...i'm rediscovering some music that i forgot i even had. i love when that happens!
...i left my house at 7 and won't be home till after 10...sad story. fridays are such long days!
...i'm pretty pumped that after tomorrow, i'm done with GOVT 2301.
...i am absolutely ECSTATIC that things are starting to come together with my prerequisites for nursing school. we shall see where i end up a year from now but my hopes are very high!
...i am pleased to realize that this is one of the best weeks i've had in a really long time.
...i am looking forward to spending next weekend in huntsville with my bearkat homies! they basically rock!
...i am actually sticking to my diet, which has been a struggle.
...i am pleased to report that, though school had started to kick my booty at the start of the fall semester, I am now kicking SCHOOL's booty. :)
...i am now going to make my way back down to northlake's piano practice rooms so i can relax and make some music before government tonight.

what a great day... :)

"she never flaunts it but she is the envy of the debutantes"

2007-10-11T16:28:00.001-05:00

i don't think it's ever been more real to me that God is my best friend. people say it in church all the time, like, "yeah, Jesus is my home boy!" or, "God's my BFF!!"...or whatever it is they say...
but, i mean...He really is. because whether you like it or not, there will be times when He's the only one you can talk to. and i'm also pretty confident that He gives the best advice. and being silent before Him can say more than all the words floating around in your mind. you can go to Him in any situation, whether you need to rejoice or mourn or dance. He knows you completely. you can tell Him anything. He loves you no matter what. He'll never leave your side.
and those are just a few reasons.

i guess i've been thinking about this a lot lately because i haven't really had a "best friend" in my life lately...at any given time in my life, i've usually had at least one person that i felt comfortable going to with any situation. right now i don't, really. not to say that i don't have great friends...i have AMAZING friends. and they love me and would sit with me if i needed to cry, or talk, or whatever. i'm extremely grateful for them, and i believe that i am very blessed indeed. but my point is...unlike times in the past, i don't have that one person whose name immediately pops into my head when i need to call someone, or who i hang out with as much as i can, talking about life and God and everything there is to talk about.

so i've noticed a pattern. i'm talking to God more. i don't always rush to pick up my phone and call someone whenever something big happens. more and more, i'm wanting to sit and talk with God...with my best friend. and it's nice to know that, even when i don't have a "BFF!" i still have my best friend.

after re-reading that it sounds kind of cheesy. oh well! it's true. :)

"no, people are especially stupid today, i don't want to talk to them."

2007-09-30T23:08:00.000-05:00

i have been spending a lot of time at starbucks lately. studying by myself, meeting friends...i usually don't even get coffee but i still seem to end up at starbucks a lot more than i used to. i feel bad, sometimes, when i don't buy a drink, so sometimes i'll buy a bottled water. i like coffee, just usually not starbucks coffee. i have to admit though, i really like their "comfy chairs." they're just...comfy! and honestly, i think starbucks has done a good job of being the place people can come and hang out, or have good philosophical talks, or bible studies, or whatever it is people do...i don't know. but they've done well.

anywho...i don't really know what all that commentary was for. i guess it was because i met a friend at starbucks today and got to talk with her there for a couple of hours. and that made me think of how much time i've spent with friends at starbucks recently.

and...since it's late...that's kind of all i've got. i really need to start writing here more often. i think. i don't know...i'm tired... goodnight. :)

"we're distracted by the hard times, and the troubles that we make. let us throw them in the ocean, let it wash our cares away."

2007-09-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

six years ago today...

i was in eighth grade. i woke up and, like every other morning, didn't really want to. school always seemed too early in the day. but i loved my first period class, so there was a certain motivation to get to school on time. i was the first student into my LEAP room that day...which was normal. i looked over at "Doc" Houchins to see her face in complete shock. then i heard the tv...i sat at my desk and watched...

as the second tower was hit.

then whatever news program it was flashed to a view of the pentagon with smoke billowing from it. even Doc didn't maintain calm...she couldn't figure out what was happening any more than we could.

seconds later, all televisions in the school were turned off and Doc was called out into the hallway by an AP. i imagine they told her something to the effect of, "maintain order...and don't tell the kids what's going on." i imagine that's what they told her, anyway. what i remember is that she said she couldn't tell us anything.

other kids' parents started picking them up from school. the rest of us wanted to know why we had to 'learn stuff' on a day like this. we were all worried, but we weren't even sure what about. no one could sit still...and not much real learning happened in the classrooms that day.

when i got home i still didn't know how bad things were. i wanted to do my homework and watch cartoons. what i ended up doing was sitting next to my dad watching the news for hours. endless replays of the videos...updates every once in a while when the network found out something new...and complete silence in the rest of the house. we were all stunned.

i remember it was a tuesday, because i was frustrated that middle school bible study was cancelled. i think there was a prayer meeting at the church instead.

i remember how that day changed everything. and i don't suppose i will be forgetting it anytime soon.

"these words are my own, from my heartflow: i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you!"

2007-09-06T19:13:00.001-05:00

okay, i know i've been writing about this a lot. but i'm really, REALLY excited about helping out with mid-school bible study on wednesdays. this wednesday, even though things did not necessarily run the most smoothly, was completely amazing. i got to meet twelve wonderful (and rather loud) sixth grade girls and i can't wait to get to know them better. something that kept running through my mind the whole night as i met and learned about each girl was, "she's the one kid." each of them, they're all the 'one kid.' it's something i've heard brent talk about before, and he's written about it on his blog. about how each kid is completely unique, and you have to see extraordinary possibilities in each one of them, because God does that with us every day. that's kind of stuck with me ever since i first heard it. and it's true, and i'm glad that God's reminding me of it.

so basically i'm uber thankful for each of those girls, and for all the other adults (haha...do i count as an 'adult'? i'm thinking no...) who are helping out with mid-school...they're totally awesome. and shouts out to trevor, chuck, and john...i really enjoyed helping out with worship team, and look forward to the rest of the year making music with you guys!

hmmm. God rocks. :)

"oh, and isn't that just like a finite mind?...but now i'm at Your feet..."

2007-08-29T19:40:00.000-05:00

okay so, i talked about this a little bit with the girls at bible study on monday. see, i've had quite a bit going on in my life lately...

school started, which, despite my very short summer, is an exciting event for me. i like school. most of my professors are really great and i look forward to the rest of the semester.
but here's the kicker: last week i started feeling sick. i thought it was just a stomach virus or something, and didn't think much of it. basically, i ended up going to the emergency clinic on 407 twice in two days, then to the ER saturday night. over and over again i have gotten false diagnoses as to what the problem is. the ER doc wasn't what you would call patient or competent. and yes, i know he got a great education in medicine and knows MUCH more about it than i do. but his priorities were skewed--getting me out of the ER was more important to him than figuring out what was wrong with me. since then i have been to two different specialists and over the next week i have to get three pretty scary tests done.
all of this while still going to school.
suffice it to say, i've been stressed. no matter what the outcome of the tests, it looks like i will have to undergo at least some type or other of minor abdominal surgery.
i'm scared.

but see, there's this crazy thing...Christ, moving in my life on a daily basis. i have learned through experience that this phenomenon has quite large effects on my life and perspectives. and it's happening again. see, even as i want to cry and be scared about what might be wrong with me, i get this sweet whisper on my heart: "kayla...I love you. I did not give you a heart of fear. trust in the Lord your God."
or, you know, something like that.

and i can't ignore what He's saying. and i can't deny it. and i'm grateful for it.

rock on, my friends. rock on.

2007-08-28T21:23:00.001-05:00

middle school bible studies are starting up again, and since i'm staying in town this year, i get to help out. tonight we got to meet the kids and their parents.

i don't think i've ever been so excited about anything in my entire life.

i heart this song.

2007-07-26T13:51:00.000-05:00

a song that i really like by regina spektor..."Apres Moi"...it has stirred up a lot of interesting discussion.

'I must go on standing,
You can't break that which isn't yours
I must go on standing
I'm not my own, It's not my choice

Be afraid of the lame, they'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old, they'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold, they'll inherit your blood
Apres moi le deluge, after me comes the flood

I must go on standing,
You can't break that which isn't yours
I must go on standing
I'm not my own, It's not my choice

Be afraid of the lame, they'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old, they'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold, they'll inherit your blood
Apres moi le deluge, after me comes the flood (x2)

Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit. (x2)

Be afraid of the lame, they'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old, they'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold, they'll inherit your blood
Apres moi le deluge, after me comes the flood

I must go on standing,
You can't break that which isn't yours
I must go on standing
I'm not my own, It's not my choice.'

--the Russian part is from a poem by Boris Pasternak, who wrote Dr. Zhivago. it translates:
'february. get ink, shed tears.
write of it, sob your heart out, sing.
while torrential slush that roars,
burns in the blackness of the spring.'

--the song also has some pretty spiffy piano parts, and i pretty much love regina's voice...so, yeah. idk why i felt the need to share that. haha

"instead of trying to conform, we could defy what they tell us...if we're brave we can believe in what we are."

2007-07-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

i'm diggin the ways God works.

i was having a bad morning...haven't been feeling well cause i just started a new medicine, and i was also just kind of allowing myself to be kind of bitter. as much as i love my classes and really want to be a nurse, for a few days i've been thinking how i wish i could just give up, it's just too hard. even though i know better...that's what i was thinking.

so i get home, thinking that i am going to walk in the door and head straight for the couch to take a nap. but my mom teaches piano lessons on tuesdays, and the family that was there are old friends. the mom is a pharmacist and, having just recently found out about my change to nursing, came in to talk with me. she sat me down and said, "when i heard you were going into nursing, i just wanted so much to talk to you and encourage you...i'd like to tell you my 'life story'."
so she started telling me about some medical problems she was dealing with, and how much having her pharmacy degree helped solve some big problems with that. she also told me that it was not her decision to go to pharmacy school--her mother set her on that path. that was over 20 years ago...and just in the past weeks, she was able to realize how thankful she is that her mom sent her to pharmacy school. she told me, "i think it's so great that you are choosing to do this...and i want to tell you, it's going to be very hard, but push through it. you will be so glad you did. and someday you will be able to use this education for so much...enjoy this learning process."
so basically the Lord sent me exactly what i needed, to be reminded why i believe this education is well worth the effort... and to show me a friend's life story, so i can see that i haven't set myself an impossible task...and most of all to humble me. it was humbling for a lot of reasons...one of the big ones is that in my mind i was not being very patient with her while she told me her long story. but when she was done she thanked me for being patient and not interrupting her. i was just like...oh man...

in any case, i just wanted to share that story, cause i think it's pretty cool what God does and how He does it. He's basically awesome. :)

i just love this.

2007-07-18T19:57:00.001-05:00

i've come back to this passage a million times, and i will probably return to it ten million more. what's so beautiful is that, as with all of God's Word, it is just as true and real as it always was.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.
What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils? I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves.

He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.
I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one’s lifetime; moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor—it is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it, for God has so worked that men should fear Him. That which is has been already and that which will be has already been, for God seeks what has passed by.

--Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

let the songs of the Lord rise among us. let the joy of the King rise among us...let it rise.

2007-07-07T18:24:00.000-05:00

dear friends:

i have quite a few decisions to make in the coming months, mostly dealing with my education. if i let it, this could become a really stressful time for me...but i don't want to do that. i ask for your support, in praying for me to have peace and discernment, especially as i get closer to application deadlines for nursing school.

i do want to take a moment to rejoice in what the Lord has done for me thus far...He has proved Himself so faithful, especially during this difficult summer. sometimes i get disheartened about it all but then i look at how far He has brought me...He is teaching me so much about self-discipline and gentleness and humility...well, let's just say He's teaching me a lot. i am truly blessed and i am so thankful. i could let myself be overwhelmed by the situation which, honestly, i put myself in voluntarily. but i'd rather go enjoy the beauty that Christ has to offer in my life!

much love to you all! :)

random thought...

2007-06-21T15:01:00.001-05:00

i'm thinking...

...it would be pretty fun to start a band, call it Deleted by Artist, then write a song called Song Has Been. i bet that would cause at least slight hilarity on the part of myspace users.

i haven't been so freaked out by a storm since i was 6

2007-06-18T02:23:00.000-05:00

so, i love storms. i mean, they're basically amazing. they don't scare me and i sleep right through them.

tonight, not so much.

it was already raining pretty hard with lots of thunder by the time i went to bed, but i fell asleep easily enough. then i got jolted out of a very strange dream by my bed actually shaking with the thunder. i was going to go back to sleep but my heart was beating soooo hard. so i got up and opened my computer, to check one of those nice convenient animated weather maps. i don't think i'll be relying on that website anymore, because all it showed was a small light storm over denton county. of course right after i saw that i heard the tornado/severe weather sirens going off. so i woke my parents and told them, and we brought the dogs inside and went down to the basement to watch the weather channel. we were under a tornado warning and a flash flood warning, but once both were past we came back up to bed.

of course it's just my luck that i can't sleep now. i mean, after being scared awake and having to go deal with my dogs, who were freaking out...my heart is still beating really hard.

agh. oh well. i will be tired tomorrow but at least i'll have a sort of fun story.

"Horacio! Horacio Hornblower!"

2007-06-14T22:46:00.001-05:00

since i'm wide awake anyway...

here's an update on what's been going on in my life. some of you already know a lot of this.

i am transferring away from sam houston to...well...that's TBD i guess. but i'm also changing my major from music education to nursing, and so i am currently spending every waking hour on summer school...hence the no blogging. :) i have a lot of hours to get out of the way, plus the NET test, before i can even apply to nursing school. 55 total prerequisite hours...40 to be completed before applying. so, yeah...basically i'm taking 20 hours just this SUMMER. i've got about 6 out of the way already from shsu...so i'll have to take something like 14-17 hours this fall, and another 13 in the spring (all at northlake, which means...i'm staying in flo mo for a year!).

the "plan" is just tentative, and depends very much on my grades, financial issues, and my own personal preference. there are two schools that i am really seriously looking at for nursing. one of them is texas tech...and then theoretically i could start there in july of 2008 and live with my best friend, who will also be going there for nursing. the other is a new discovery...my brother recently informed me that the main thing his school (Belmont) is great for aside from music is nursing. and, basically...i know i love the campus, i love tennessee, and i LOVE my brother--who i would get to see all the time if i went there! as Ryan said, i've had to make a lot of "grown-up decisions" lately...which i think has kind of been good for me. an encouraging thought is that my brother couldn't stop saying how happy he was for me, how proud he was that i'm working hard...he said it was "good to hear [me] so passionate about something." i guess no one's heard me that passionate, at least not about learning, in over a year.

after discussing things with some of my fellow science majors, i think that in the fall i am going to start volunteering at one of the area hospitals, in either the ER or the pediatric ward. i would get to start doing what i want to do, and not have to wait until i graduate to get some experience! and aside from how much i will enjoy it, if i can get in good with some of the doctors, they might be willing to write me recommendations when i apply to nursing school.

i am so...so...SO excited. granted, i never sleep anymore, but psh, sleep is for the weak! but not really. it's actually really bad for you to lose a lot of sleep all the time, so DON'T DO IT PEOPLE! :) still...i love my classes, i love my teachers, and i love my new friends from school! we may work hard, but we have fun.

all that to say...so many changes have been and are being made in my life...and i like it! i could go on and on about how much i love my science classes and how excited i am to become a nurse...oh wait, i already have.

"if you don't play that trumpet, Lord who's gonna make all that noise?"

2007-05-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

whenever i go to a graduation ceremony (which, granted, isn't very often, but i've been to 2 since i got home from school), i tend to spend most of it thinking of how we could cut down on the time and still allow the parents to enjoy the thing.

i'm thinking if you cut out middle names, that's at least ten minutes, depending on the size of the class and how fast the speaker says the names.
if we could have people hold their applause at the beginning until all the administrators are being named instead of just clapping after each one, that's probably a minute or two.
instead of waiting for applause and general whooping to die down after each kid's name is called, the announcer could time it out and just have a few seconds between names.
the choir (or whatever performing group) could be on the risers ready to go and stay there until they're done singing their last song.
the senior class song could be played all the way through during the recessional instead of taking up part of the ceremony and only playing an excerpt (for which they probably just clicked on the itunes sample...).
if they can coordinate the processional so that kids come in on the left and right, i think they could also do it so that half the kids come in on both sides from the back, and half come in from the front.
every kid who gives a speech could cut out the preliminary "As I was writing this speech, I thought to myself..." and just launch right into an actual speech. a clear, concise, and not-so-cliche one too, if possible.

nevertheless, i am very proud of my friends who graduated this year. i am glad i attended their graduations, and i definitely joined in on the general applause and whooping for people that i knew. one such graduate is my brother, who has already begun working for a company called Spectrum Sound, Inc. He is spending his first three weeks of work in Birmingham, AL, and the next three weeks in Naples, FL. every time he calls he sounds so exhausted, but he's got a job doing what he loves and i'm so proud of him for it! i can't wait to visit him in nashville again.
to all my friends who graduated this year, congratulations!!! the whole world now knows that you can successfully walk across a stage. :)

"and this breeze blew in with a glitch in the tide..."

2007-05-16T00:11:00.000-05:00

i'm wondering...

...when Christianity turned into Churchianity.

...why, despite my best efforts, for a year i let myself stay stuck in a big fat comfort zone.

...why i didn't listen to people about the comfort zone thing. they warned me about it, and i thought i was heeding their warnings, but...well, i forgot to pay close enough attention...

...how much i've really underestimated the vastness of the Father's love.

...how soon i will be able to get a summer job.

...if i will be able to tackle this next obstacle--one which i face with eagerness and determination, but still some fear of failure nonetheless.

...why i can be so fickle sometimes.

...how people i love can change so much for the worse.

...how much i've really changed and just don't see it.

yeah...i've got a lot on my mind right now. and don't take this blog the wrong way...i'm quite happy with all the events taking place in my life right now. the Lord has blessed me with joy in stressful times before, and He continues to do so now...and i'm honestly doing really well. these are just the things on my brain. bunch o' nonsense, mostly. it's pretty messy up there in my head. :)

"I know that you hope for longer goodbyes. embracing for forever, and falling in your eyes..."

2007-05-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

so for no particular reason i popped in the old dashboard confessional cd today. maybe cause that tends to be part of my "music for the drift." i guess i get really pensive whenever i'm about to end one part of my life and start something else. not like any real dramatic change is happening. but i'm reflecting on my freshman year of college...who i was...how i've changed. it's good that this semester is ending. like i've already said, i'm ready for it to. and with every moment i am more and more eager to see my family, and to see my friends whom i've missed so much. to tell you the truth, it was often more difficult to be away from them than i let on. it hurt, sometimes, to know that they were changing and i wasn't a part of it. but it was nice, too, to know that i was changing.

i think people always go through the typical sludge any year in life. but for some reason, whether the sludge is excessive or not, it is emphasized, magnified, the freshman year of college. i think the somewhat drastic lifestyle changes that are made so abruptly when you head off to college make you just a bit more sensitive to all the rest of it.
i guess i couldn't really tell you how bad the sludge was this year, because it really was magnified for me. i suppose the first bit was when my grandfather's health went south at the end of summer.
...then some "issues" with my extended family.
...my mother's health...my father's...my own.
...the difficulty of finding a new church home here, added to a strong feeling of not wanting to let go of my home church in flower mound.
...the death of a dear friend.
...losing touch with more than a few people whom i love very much.
...adjusting to the fact that my brother is not the big part of my life he once was.
...some more personal things that i won't get into right now.

all in all, these events (along with some other not-so-crummy ones) changed me a little bit. you could say that this year, more than most, i've gotten a nice big dose of reality. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i needed it. but there have been days i was wearied by it. there will be more.

i think i'd like to just let go of the sludge. see, the reason that i wasn't weighed down by it all year is because my Savior wouldn't let me stay stuck in it. He moved me in many ways.
...i got to spend 2 1/2 weeks in Holland doing nothing but serving Him.
...i got to mend some of the "issues" with family.
...i found a possible church home in a very unexpected place.
...i gained new, wonderful friends.
...there are some people i lost touch with who, nonetheless, will be able to pick up the friendship right where we left off.
...as always, i learned more about myself and about the Lord i so gladly serve.

and...some of the problems still aren't "solved." i will never claim to any of you that i have everything "all figured out" (if i ever do, please kindly drop an ACME anvil on my head).
i like not having everything all figured out. somehow, if it makes any sense, the fact that my life isn't all hunky-dory makes the blessings that much better. it also makes the lessons that much more meaningful.

i don't want a perfect, mess-free life. i want a genuine, abundant, Spirit-led one. one where i can gladly admit that i've got problems...cause everyone else does too. the thing is, though...i can claim just as confidently that i have Someone who's there with me in my troubles and in my weakness. now that, my friends, is an awesome thing to share with people. He is revolutionizing my life...and i like it.

as the semester draws to a close...

2007-05-08T21:43:00.000-05:00

so much has been on my mind lately. for a while i let myself get a bit too stressed out. right now, truth is...i'm just tired. i kind of wish i had a little bit of a break to look forward to, rather than a summer of classes and work. i know that would bore me, though, and quite quickly. any summer that i've spent "relaxing and doing nothing" has just felt so wasted. yes, it's good to relax...but it's the "doing nothing" that gets really annoying. i need to be busy with something, and truth is i would really like to have a job over the summer. so that's what i'm doing. i've been warned, though, about taking summer classes...a friend of mine here at Sam took a full load every semester, and also every summer and winter session. it allowed her to graduate within four years, but she said it just about killed her with stress...she overworked herself. even though she is done with college on time, she told me that she regrets not giving herself time to slow down.

maybe there's a good point to that. maybe i should let the summer be a little bit of a break for me. it would be nice to take a break from all the studying and actually have an opportunity to relax when i come home from work each day. it might be a good idea to consider that before i run off to register for these summer classes.

on another note, i'm glad to say that the semester is coming to a rather peaceful end. the Lord has blessed me with so many things...with really great friends from school to miss over the summer (and perhaps even to visit over the summer), with peace about exams and all the stressful parts of ending a semester, and with friends and family whom i love enough to have missed quite a bit over the year. now i get to see those friends and family, and actually spend some time with them. i really look forward to it. and when next semester comes around, i will be looking forward to that too. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm really content and at peace with where i am at this very moment. the anxiety isn't there and it's just...nice.

my brother graduates from college this saturday, and i get to go see him in nashville. so many wonderful things lie ahead of him...i am so so proud of him and will miss him as he starts his life "out in the real world," living in tennessee. but hey...it gives me a great excuse to visit nashville whenever i feel like it. :)

"I have to say the words I fear the most: I just don't know."

2007-05-03T00:10:00.000-05:00

This is a song that i was listening to randomly today and...well, even though i've heard it dozens of times it just struck me today because, well, it's true. (oh, and uh, warning: there's a bit of my usual rambling in here too. sorry bout that. haha)

And the pain falls like a curtain On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most: I just don’t know.

And the questions without answers Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all, For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains Is: who am I?

Can I form a single mountain? Take the stars in hand and count them?
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me?
He is first and last before all that has been, Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge!
How unsearchable! for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things...

So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone!
--Steven Curtis Chapman

God reminded me today...as He oh so often does...that He is just...well, God. i'm not sure how to articulate it. He's just sovereign. and faithful...and even though He has revealed so many of His characteristics to me over and over again, i'm still speechless and amazed each time His glory is revealed. ha...i guess i make it sound like that's a bad thing. it's so not. it's amazing...i mean, it's sad that i forget who He is sometimes...but it's so incredible that He never ceases to bring me to my knees, at a loss for words.
that exact thing happened today. no words. nothing. just amazed. i think i wouldn't mind one bit if that happened even more often. i kinda need it. well, He knows what i need...i'm not all that concerned about it...He'll provide. agh. i love Him!

weird thing? i'm so incredibly tired...but then...i'm so not.

"all who are thirsty, and all who are weak, come to the fountain. dip your heart in the streams of life."

2007-04-17T16:46:00.000-05:00

i've already mentioned somewhat my feelings about the shootings at Virginia Tech. but i have been stirred to make a few more comments...

when i checked my email today, i found that our school had sent out some mass emails to the students of SHSU regarding the Virginia shootings. so, naturally, i open and read the email. i would just like to give you two brief quotes from it:

" At this point it is too early to completely determine how or why such an incident that cost the lives of so many young people could happen in the seemingly
safe environment of a college campus."

um, excuse me? first of all, if you don't know how or why one human being could do something to hurt another, you must be living with your head buried in sand. and no matter how "seemingly safe" a campus is, it's just that: SEEMINGLY safe. none of the world is as safe as people make it out to be. bad things happen everywhere. people get hurt everywhere. no one is immune to pain.

" Such events may cause us to feel a temporary sense of discomfort. "

that comment makes me sick to my stomach. discomfort? are you kidding me? what an incredible understatement. admit it or not, people are in PAIN because of events such as these. when your friend or family member dies, are you just uncomfortable? what about the people who knew the shooter? i'd say they're experiencing a little more than discomfort right now. frankly, my heart hurts too. i may not have known anyone who was hurt, but that doesn't mean i don't feel pain when i hear that people were murdered. no...discomfort is not NEARLY strong enough a word to describe what people are feeling right now.

my heart goes out to the families and friends of everyone involved...pain may be a common factor in our lives, but that doesn't lessen its sting. we'll all be praying for the people affected by the shootings for a while...God bless.

"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:35, 37-39

"my love hasn't grown cold for you..."

2007-04-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

campus is buzzing about the shootings in virginia.

i hate this. i hate that my friends spent most of the day terrified that they may have lost friends or family members. i hate that so many people actually did lose friends and family members. i hate that this just keeps happening. i hate this.

"i just wasted ten seconds of your life...."

2007-04-08T21:23:00.001-05:00

i am rejoicing for many reasons today. first and foremost, i am rejoicing in my risen Lord! He has taught me so very much today and this entire weekend. i am also rejoicing in wonderful time spent with my family, especially my brother whom i never get to see! but one major thing i am rejoicing about today is that i have recently had some major fears relieved concerning my health. don't ask me for any details, there are none to give right now...but know that i am very glad and relieved today. if you see me in rather high spirits...well, it's largely due to this situation. it's also largely due to how great my relationship with the Lord has been lately.

wow okay i'm not making sense anymore...i'm gonna go! just wanted to write something, and share the joy!!!

"my ship has set its sail, but still at shore..."

2007-03-29T23:20:00.000-05:00

today i grew a lot.

you know those days? when just so much happens, some good, some bad, some neutral. and at the end of the day you're not who you were when you woke up. well, i guess that's kind of every day...but the days that are just so jam packed. maybe it's a matter of alertness, attentiveness to what God has to show you that day. maybe it also has something to do with obedience to Him when you are alert enough to hear what He says.
whatever makes this day the kind of day it is...it was one of those days. and i grew a lot. my heart is just...full right now. it's a wonderful, yet overwhelming feeling, really. it's like...i'm relaxed and at peace enough to sleep now...but i'm also so excited about what God's doing in my life that i don't really want to sleep--i'd rather stay up late talking to Him.
somehow i get the feeling that's not a bad thing. somehow i get the feeling that you can feel just as rested (maybe even moreso) when you wake up if you spend most of your sleep time talking with the Lord as if you spend it actually sleeping.
i like that. i think it's pretty awesome. and i think i'd like to go spend the rest of my night sharing what's on my heart with the Lover of my soul.

"you make me laugh. at you, of course. not with you."

2007-03-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

as i write this, there is a torrential downpour sweeping across huntsville. i didn't get to park my car very close to the dorm on when i came home tonight. and, as expected...i didn't mind that one bit. yes, i was just ready to be home and dry and asleep. but i will always, always love the rain. what can i say, it makes my heart happy.

i've started a workout routine with my awesome friend meagan. with the exception of uber wet days, like tomorrow will be, we meet at the track in the mornings to jog for a while. it's nice. i like jogging. i like mornings. i like my awesome friend meagan. if you ask me, i've got a pretty good deal goin on.

the morning jogs have also helped me get back to the morning person i used to be. i mean, i still am...i just haven't been acting like it. i LOVE mornings. lately i had been missing out on my nice slow mornings with the Lord. but the accountability to show up and work out with a friend makes waking up a little bit easier, even if i only got a few hours of restless sleep.

speaking of restless sleep...i've started to become concerned about my sleep. i'll be tired but completely awake until the wee hours of the morning. then i find it hard to wake up, because i don't sleep well. part of the reason for that is that i have been having really awful nightmares every night for the past 8 months or so. i'm at a loss for what the cause of this might be. my awesome friend elizabeth suggested there could very possibly be a connection between my nightmares and my freshman year of college. i haven't been letting myself get uber stressed like i used to...but starting college has its own daily stresses and i think perhaps elizabeth is right--perhaps it's just wearing on me. i think it does that to everyone, to an extent.

mondays are not just tiring because they are the first day of the week and there's so much week left. they're tiring for me because they are my fullest days and i don't get a break until the evening. today, for example, i didn't eat at all until after 6. not healthy, i know...but with my schedule sometimes i forget to eat. especially on mondays. this monday was an especially long one. i'm thinking that i know why...

i am thankful that the only lasting rest is found in Christ. i am physically (and often emotionally) exhausted by the end of each day. but my soul is at rest, and i rejoice that no matter what life brings i can have that rest. i also rejoice in the new day...for so many reasons, but most of all because the new day is fresh and beautiful and finds me ready and willing to begin it. it's like an empty piece of paper...i am always scared to write that first sentence but, even moreso, i am eager to write on that page, to pour myself into it.

monday is coming to a close and i am utterly exhausted. i look forward to tomorrow.

high-school me...needs a good kickin'.

2007-03-16T22:32:00.000-05:00

after rereading a lot of them, i am really wanting to burn all of my journals from high school. REALLY. i just...ugh. i was reading them and thinking, "really? are you kidding me?" kind of like how i felt when i went back a few years ago and read my elementary/ middle school journals. now THOSE were funny. funny, yet...embarrassing. slimy, yet...satisfying. haha. no but really, i want to burn them all. even some of the stuff from this year. granted, a few entries pop up every once in a while that at least give credit to the notion that i'm not a completely terrible writer.

but some of the things i wrote just reflect both poor writing skills and poor judgement/rationalization. eugh. i'm ready for a big time poetry burn. now, i know there are some things i should keep. either because they're good or i'll laugh at them later. but i at least want to burn the truly embarrassing stuff. the "why on earth did i write this down?" stuff. some of my thoughts just weren't meant to be shared with the rest of the world.

"we're just amateur lovers..."

2007-03-12T01:13:00.000-05:00

i think i would like to live like a hobbit...at least, in the sense that i want to give presents to all my friends on my birthday instead of them giving presents to me. i think that's a splendid idea from the mind of mr. tolkein. i'm not much for celebrating my own birthday. it's always made me feel awkward, people singing to me and all that. i mean, what are you supposed to do when people are singing happy birthday to you? as a kid i always wanted to sing along...it's more fun to sing than be sung to, i guess. so new rule...from now on we should all sing on our birthdays, instead of being sung to. for that matter, i think all the non-birthday people should be the ones wearing the big silly hats. and boy, would i like to see them blow out all the candles at once. sure, it's easy when you're 4...but once you hit the teens and onward it's not so easy. makes you appreciate the candles shaped like numbers.
you know how i've always wished i could celebrate my birthday? spend the entire day with friends...not because it's "my special day" but because we love each other and want to spend time together. maybe spend part of the day volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. just get the focus off of myself and onto the One it should be on every day.
yeah...that would be an incredible birthday.

i'm rambling now...goodnight.

"did you think you'd persuade me to let you go?"

2007-03-06T15:41:00.000-06:00

random thoughts for the day...

...i am actually starting to enjoy my theory and musicianship classes, which have been a waste of time and money all year. this, surprisingly, has nothing to do with the classes themselves. rather, i maintain my pattern of tuning out my teacher and studying from the book (which is much more helpful)...but i distract myself by drawing. okay, so i'm not that great of an artist. but it's a lot of fun. and i like my art because i appreciate the work it took to create. so...yay art?

...hannah, courtney, and i signed the lease yesterday for the apartment we will be living in next year. we basically couldn't be more excited, cause frankly...the dorm life has not treated any of us very well. we're ready to live in an actual apartment with people we actually know. it's nice to come home to someone you know loves you and will listen to you and be there for you when you need it. i had taken that for granted before this year.

...i am VERY excited about spring break, because i could really use the week of peace and quiet. it is long overdue. lately, though, i have been unsettled about the actual coming home part. i don't know why. so i shall pray about it...pray for peace, pray for understanding as to why i feel this way.

...today is just going really great. whatever is going on in me today, i can't quite articulate it but it's good. i like today, and i like me today. w00t.

...for those of you who don't know yet...i cut a large portion of my hair off and i dyed my bangs and the bottom layer of my hair purple. yes, purple. meagan and i decided it was cool for me because it fits my artistic personality. i was glad she thought so too...cause i'm just not emo. haha

uhm...that's enough randomness for one day. laters! <3

addicted?

2007-03-06T15:37:00.000-06:00

i think blogging has become an addiction.

i know sometimes i go without blogging for a few days simply because my life is pretty busy...but if i go too long without writing, whether in a blog or otherwise, i just can't handle it. so much of my thought processing is done by writing. i enjoy it. it helps me sort things out. and i have to admit, it's nice to have some of my thoughts out there for others to read and comment on if they so choose. just makes me feel like there's a tiny community thing going on. i dig it.

i don't know why i'm writing this. i guess it's just so i can get some of these useless thoughts out of my head. kind of like the penseive in harry potter...haha...it allows me to discard some thoughts that are just running around up in there but i don't really need at present.

wow, i'm ADD today. really. if you just ignore this post that's perfectly fine.

"the drum beats out of time..."

2007-02-28T13:13:00.000-06:00

i'm having one of those weeks. a week where i'm just totally wearied by the world. i'm so tired of the nonsense that goes on every day...and i've been feeling quite isolated from everything. i dunno...i can't really explain it.

it's different this time around though. i've been through weeks like this before, but this time the weariness is mingled with joy and hope. as tired as i am, the joy of the Lord remains in me, and i can't help but be reminded by the hope of His glory. i know one Day all of the tiresome ways of the world will end. i look forward to that Day.

it seems that because of the state i've been in this week, i have had more "quality time" with the Lord. maybe because i realize the need? or just because i have more time to think, and to talk to Him? i don't know. whatever the reason, there is a bittersweetness to my days. i have an overflowing joy from the Lord. still, that doesn't mean i'm not weary.

so...that was incredibly redundant, i'm sure. but oh well. i needed to get those thoughts out. peace out homies. :)

beautiful moments i will never forget.

2007-02-27T10:19:00.000-06:00

i will never forget...

...sitting with you in DFW airport reading the Bible...in Dutch.

...laughing with you one tuesday night until we quite literally fell on the floor, all because somebody got the hoorays.

...the night when we laid down in the middle of the road to look at the stars...and almost got run over. (i know, i know...)

...getting to share with you the beauty of my favorite place on earth.

...the time last semester when you were the only good friend i had.

...singing with you in the pouring rain on the pine cove shores dock.

...girls' nights with all of you, where we could all just be stupid and didn't care.

...sitting on the roof with you at my brother's house in nashville, watching the fireflies dance.

..."going on a drive" with you...which of course meant windows down, music blaring, and no song would ever be finished.

...laughing with you in Holland when i was "drunk tired."

..."lakin' it," cause sometimes there's just nothin better.

...that ridiculous pillow fight, which i have no idea why i remember so well.

...seeing your purty face every tuesday night, eager to learn more about God's Word.

...tubing with you and then, out of nowhere..."so, predestination and free will. GO."

...seeing your face first thing every day when i leave choir.

...the night when my dad was in the hospital and the two of you just came and sat with me, cause you knew, whether or not i admitted it, i needed someone that day.

...talking with you till the wee hours of the morning after i haven't seen you in months, laughing hysterically the entire time at your stupid penguin jokes.

okay...obviously there's way more than this. but these are the things that came to mind today. have a lovely day all!!

"you don't know how lovely you are..."

2007-02-27T01:18:00.000-06:00

so, the college thing.

i'm not perfect at it. there's a lot i have left to learn. a LOT. i see that more and more every day.

i'm learning more and more about myself every day...like for example, today i learned that i'm a bit more vulnerable than i realize...life actually can sting me. i know, sounds silly...i mean, i know i'm not immune to human pain. but some part of me was always just like, "this can't get to you. you can't let it. you have to be stronger than this, whatever it takes." and honestly...that part of me needs to shut up. there are things that have happened in the past year or so that have really struck me down. and if i can't admit it hurts then i can't admit i need the Lord to bring me through it.
i NEED the Lord to bring me through it.
on the other hand, i still know that, because i have my beloved Saviour, what hurts me doesn't have to break me. and it's not as big in the long run as it seemed to begin with. still...when you're in it, you're in it, and you can't get yourself out.

i'm learning more and more about my friends every day...i'm realizing that i have this wonderful body of believers with me, who i'm growing with and who are teaching me so very much. i appreciate all of you so incredibly much...we need each other at all times, not just when times are rough. and i am so glad that i have you at all times.

i'm learning so much about God every day...some of it is a reiteration/renewed perspective of things i've already learned. some of it is completely new to me. in short, God is loving me, and i am loving Him, and i still don't even halfway understand how to love Him like i should. beautiful thing: He's trying to teach me and grow me and KNOW me...NOT scold me.

like i said at the beginning of this post...i'm not perfect at the college thing. i'm not perfect at the life thing. not even close. but it doesn't matter. i am learning, i am growing. i am living and loving for my Saviour, and that is as it should be. He has carried me to where i am and He will not let go of me. i love Him.

and that's...that's me right now. i'm hurting...
i'm growing...
i'm healing...
i'm learning...
i'm loving...
i'm trusting.
and so many more great things. again, friends...God is ever beautiful.

"there's still fire in you yet. yeah, there's still fire in you."

2007-02-23T16:19:00.000-06:00

today has been oh so very wishy washy. i've been in a wonky mood. whenever i'm around people, i want to be left alone...whenever i'm alone, i wish i had someone to hang out with. bizarre? perhaps. hasn't exactly been the best day ever either, but i'm kind of over that...none of the bad stuff was really that much of a big deal in the long run.

i think i had a successful turnaround though. i was just going to come home and sleep...but on my walk home i always pass this pretty hill on campus. and when i passed it today, i thought, "wow, this weather is amazing, and i never spend enough time outside. i want to go sit on the hill and just bask in the silence and the beautiful day." so i laid on the hill for about an hour...watching leaves fall, laughing at squirrels...being silent, talking to God about anything and everything. it was awesome. more days like this one please? yes, i think so.

to my fellow musicians.

2007-02-22T15:40:00.000-06:00

i don't understand why people don't enjoy singing the same song more than once. sure, it may be the same configuration of ink on paper...but it's NEVER the same music. the song is new every time you sing it--even moreso each time you sing it with a new ensemble or director. the song changes with you. it's never the same...

...let the music change with you, and even let the music change you. don't think that a song must get boring the more it is sung. there should be new ways to rejoice through music every time it is made. let the music you make be as new as the day is.

i don't think many words are required on this subject, though i could provide them if that were necessary. please just enjoy the music you make. it is an art, given by a creative God to the similarly creative beings He put here on earth. so...yeah. enjoy it. :)

"and i, i won't keep my heart from You this time"

2007-02-20T13:02:00.000-06:00

what's on my mind today...

i don't get enough alone time. time to think, pray, read, write...any of it. it just doesn't happen as often as it should. i need to work on that.

i have this complex, that i thought had gone away a while back. but anyway, the thing is...i can't cry. as in the production of tears never takes place. i'm not a weepy person, but i would consider it odd when i've cried once in the last 10 months or so.

the weather couldn't BE more beautiful. just one more reason i love huntsville.

i want to see the magnolia trees in full bloom again.

anyone in hunts can tell rain is coming. you can just smell it, feel it, days before it comes. me, i'm ready for the rain. if it makes any sense to anyone else...for me there's just something (for lack of a better word) magical about rainy days. well, i know why i love them so much. but still...they're just always special days. i love the rain.

i wouldn't mind it one bit if i moved to europe tomorrow.

technology is becoming my enemy. i need to take some time away from the laptop, cell phone, etc. i've actually been working on that...limiting my internet time...not checking my cell/ texting quite so often.

i need to get out of the funk i've allowed myself to get in schoolwise.

migraines are a plague on my existence.

i am blessed to have the most rockin awesome friends ever. i say that all the time...but that's cause it's true all the time.

somehow those same friends who are so incredibly awesome...know just how to make you feel incredibly AWKWARD. haha. guess that comes with the package of having friends who know you well. meh. i'll take the awkwardness. makes life more interesting.

i'm getting off the computer right now and doing something with my life.

"trace the shape of my heart till it becomes more familiar to Your eyes."

2007-02-18T20:01:00.000-06:00

this is a journal entry from last summer...near the end of the Holland trip, actually. i read through it today and was just like...i should post this. so anyway, this is what was on my mind that day:

7.27.06 4:20 pm Dallas Time
Truly...what if the people of God actually trusted Him? if we actually laid down our worries-laid down our very LIVES-for Christ's sake? what if we all did? or even just a few? how would that look? how would it change the world we live in? because i am convinced that the world would be changed by it. God changes us inside out-starts in our hearts and then creates a revolution through our lives. i want my life to be a HUGE revolution in which brothers and sisters growing around me gladly join.
in my life i want to see the body of Christ live more like the body of Christ. living unified, living abundantly, living in love. i want to see us grow in that. i know it will not be perfected or complete until God's grace is made complete at the end of the age. but we can choose now to live as a more unified and loving body for Christ. at least moreso than we have been. that love is the love we are to be KNOWN by! so let us walk in it! that way those who are not in Christ will see it and want what we have. i firmly believe that. because, especially here, i have seen it. people have recognized, of all things, HOW WE TREAT EACH OTHER. they SEE it. it matters. let our choice always be love, because we love God.
"As they were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed Him. And two blind men sitting by the road, hearing that Jesus was passing by, cried out, 'Lord, have mercy on us, Son of David!' The crowd sternly told them to be quiet, but they cried out all the more, 'Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!' And Jesus stopped and called them, and said, 'What do you want me to do for you?' They said to Him, 'Lord, we want out eyes to be opened.' Moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes; and immediately they regained their sight and followed Him." --Matthew 20:29-34
the blind men whose eyes were healed didn't just leave it at that. the healing wasn't the end of the story. after they regained their sight, they followed Christ.

Adventures in San Antonio, part 1

2007-02-16T22:27:00.000-06:00

I've been in San Antonio for only two days (for the Texas Music Educators Association convention) and it's already been...interesting.

The night before we left, we had a "single's awareness day" party with the gals at our dorm. That was definitely a blast! Only downside (if you want to call it that)? I ended up getting about 1 hour of sleep, give or take. Suffice to say...Hannah drove. We were having a great time until tiredhead hit Amanda and I...we both passed out at about the same time. Once we got to our (hole in the wall!) hotel, we were informed that we couldn't check in yet...so we made our way to get some food. Turns out, there's this AMAZING little diner right next to our hotel. It's called Lulu's. It's cheap, the food's great, and they make one AMAZING cup of coffee. I'm having one right now, as a matter of fact!

Anywho. We left Lulu's and headed to the convention, where we proceeded to shop until it closed at 5:00. I'm definitely not the shopping type...I get tired of it REALLY fast. But considering everything for sale is music related, I was like a kid in a candy store. I mean, come on. It's a convention for music educators. They've got everything you could ever want. Or at least everything I could. Last year I bought so many stickers for my piano students that I didn't even get to use them all. Yes, that is exactly the kind of nerd I am. And I happen to like it that way, thanks.

Today was spent attending meetings...going to concerts...sitting in on all-state choir rehearsals...and attempting to catch up with my MHS all-stater friends. GOSH I love those kids. I'm sad that I don't have more chances to see them. But it's okay...I get to hear them sing beautifully tomorrow! I am VERY excited.

What's the adventure part, you ask? Well for one: it's NO exaggeration to say our hotel is a hole in the wall. There's a questionable smell when the heater turns on, and even when it's on you're still freezing. The toilet barely works (I know, gross). The shower has plenty of water pressure but instead of spraying towareds you like a normal shower, the water sprays in a very wide circle, so that the wall and floor get much more wet than you ever will. And I definitely would not feel safe drinking the tap water. I mean surrously...this place makes me miss HUNTSVILLE water. No lie. So yeah...every moment in that room is a special experience...and in the end it's flippin hysterical.
We've been parking every day at this bank downtown because the parking there is cheap and you at least FEEL like the car is safer because it's on the second floor of a parking garage. But tonight, we didn't get back until much later than last night...so the bank was kind of, how you say, closed. So in short, we all had a bit of a panic attack thinking we wouldn't be able to get to our car. After said panic attack, we proceeded to find the security guard, who very kindly let us in and wished us a good night. But, man...when I finally got in my car, i gave it a big long hug. I mean, I only thought I couldn't get to it for about ten minutes...but, man, that was a LONG ten minutes. I think Hannah and I said, "Thank you Lord!" quite emphatically about 75 times on the way back to the hotel.

At the moment, hannah and i are relaxing quite cozily at Lulu's. I have now had three cups of coffee. erm...maybe we should keep me away from coffee when I've had a stressful day. but dude...this is one AWESOME cup of coffee.

"when it's over, is it really over?"

2007-02-15T02:46:00.000-06:00

i find it intriguing that you can learn so much from an experience while you're in it...and then once it's over, you can learn something new each time you look back on it. i suppose that's because each time you look back on it, you have grown...you're a slightly different person...you have new perspectives on it. but it just never ceases to amaze me that the Lord can use your past to teach you just as well as He can use your present. there are so many things in my life that i look back on now and, because of the cumulative growth from the past (nearly) 19 years, see something totally different than what i saw at first viewing. it's kind of like watching your favorite childhood movie when you've "grown up" a bit more.

take the original BBC Chronicles of Narnia movies, for example. as a child, i was hooked on those films, even though they were 3 hours long EACH. i was hooked on them because of the storyline, i suppose...i'm still hooked on the books. really great story. but anyway...i tried to watch one of them a couple of months ago for the first time in probably a decade. i realized for the first time how awfully the story was depicted, how foul the acting was, the huge lack of any kind of meaningful soundtrack...etc. the list could go on and on. my point being...when i was a kid i didn't know the story could be depicted more than one way. i couldn't process the fact that it might be different...i just loved the story. i didn't know what bad acting was. i hadn't become accustomed to films with excellent music in the background. now, i can honestly say that in my opinion, those versions of the movies were rather awfully done. but no matter...the story remains. and i learn from it. :)

so maybe that was a bad example of what's going through my mind. i'm really bad at stringing my thoughts together, and even worse at making coherent analogies...so forgive me. i'm tired. :P

"if you don't mind, i'd like some time to try and play it all."

2007-02-15T02:30:00.000-06:00

i come to a certain point, about once or twice a month actually, where i find the need to go back and read my journals. there's so much of ME in there...so much personal growth visible, just spilled out onto the page. this weekend i plan to delve back into my more recent journals, and really just notice how i've changed. also...it helps me to remember things i've learned.

many times in my journal i write down quotes, and so i must periodically check through it and find those quotes so i can record them somewhere. (i actually have a blog site just for all my quotes. dorky, i know, but it's the best organizing system i could think of.) so, here are a couple of the quotes i found when i went digging today. they really struck me.

"We were afraid of crude salvationism, afraid of a breach with the spirit of the age, afraid of ridicule, afraid (above all) of real spiritual fears and hopes." --C.S. Lewis
"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" -C.S. Lewis
"The weakness of so many modern Christians is that they feel too much at home in the world. In their effort to achieve restful "adjustment" to unregenerate society they have lost their pilgrim character and become an essential part of the very moral order against which they are sent to protest. The world recognizes them and accepts them for what they are. And this is the saddest thing that can be said about them. They are not lonely, but neither are they saints." --A.W. Tozer
"joy is love exultant, peace is love in repose, and long suffering is love enduring. It is all love, you see, a gentleness is love in society, and goodness is love in action, and faith is love on the battle-field, and meekness is love at school, and temperance is love in training."--D.L. Moody

and in honor of valentine's day...LOL...a quote that i thought was just really sweet:
"I never told her she was perfect...and she was perfect every day." --Liam Neeson, 'Love Actually'

more random thoughts from this crazy lady at another time. enjoy your day, everyone, and peace out homies! :)

i kind of apologize for this. it's just more senseless ramblings. w00t.

2007-02-15T01:42:00.000-06:00

I have SOOOOO much on my mind right now. So, I believe it is time for a nice little rant. Of sorts.

I have a lot of fears. Fears that yes, I know, are fairly unfounded and just need to be placed in the Lord’s hands. But they are my fears nonetheless. I am afraid that music is not where I belong. That perhaps I only picked this major because I know I’m good at it. Why did I pick it? Is there somewhere else I should be instead? It’s all so fuzzy right now. I am afraid that I will fail at school. Yes, I am aware that such a failure doesn’t mean anything to true success. True success has nothing to do with who you are on paper and everything to do with who you are. Who God created you to be. Your willingness to be that person no matter what. Still…I am afraid that I will fail, and most of all I fear the consequences of such a failure. I am afraid of heartache. I am so careful with my heart, because frankly, I fear that whomever I let hold it will stomp it on the floor. It wouldn’t be the first time…and I’m well aware that it wouldn’t be the last. I’m smarter than that. But I fear the consequences of allowing myself to be vulnerable with people. I have been working on this particular area in my life for a while now. I’ve gotten better at opening up. Want to know the funny part of the story? Whatever lies may be thrown at you about it, the fear only gets worse once you let yourself be more vulnerable. The more you open up and be yourself, the more fear and doubt will enter in.

So…as always, the difficult but necessary thing is to trust it all in the Lord. Admit the fear exists, but don’t let it take over. TRUST the Lord, for cryin out loud! Why do I have so much trouble with that? I think sometimes I have a lot of difficulty maintaining an eternal perspective, so I lose sight of what God might have to do with all of this. For goodness’ sake…I know that my entire life is for Him. I want to live out my life for Him and only Him. I love Him, and I want to love Him more. But sometimes I just lose sight of things, and get so darn scared! In hindsight it looks so silly, too…but I do it.

There’s this quote from A.W. Tozer that I really love. It says, “O Lord, I want to want Thee. I long to be filled with more longing. I thirst to be made more thirsty still.”
That’s where my heart is right now. Well…that’s pretty much where my heart always is. But this is just one of those times where my heart is like…yes! Exactly! That’s what I’m going through! I suppose it’s rather a good thing. Scary though ;).

I think there will be many more thoughts on this later. Well, I know there will be. Don’t know how many of them will find their way to the public eye…but trust me, there’s more where this came from. This is just all the “coherent” thought I am able to get out right now.

"funny, with so many neighbors, how lonely it can be!"

2007-02-08T05:34:00.000-06:00

in case you weren't aware...

being sick while away at college = NOT. FUN.

however, i do have some of the best friends i could ever ask for here...so even though i feel rather awful, i have like 3 "moms" doing everything they can to take care of me.
who could ask for more? :)

"what is this?! a school for ANTS?!?!?!"

2007-02-07T13:38:00.000-06:00

I came across a quote today which struck me as rather relevant. So, really all I have for you today is this quote...and feel free to share your thoughts. :)

"The weakness of so many modern Christians is that they feel too much at home in the world. In their effort to achieve restful "adjustment" to unregenerate society they have lost their pilgrim character and become an essential part of the very moral order against which they are sent to protest. The world recognizes them and accepts them for what they are. And this is the saddest thing that can be said about them. They are not lonely, but neither are they saints."

"when your heart's heavy i, i will lift it for you"

2007-02-03T16:29:00.000-06:00

been in one of those writing moods all day. all week, really.
finally, an opportunity to put such a mood to good use.
so...
sitting in my desk chair.
writing mode officially turned on.
and this is what's on my mind:

the opportunity i had all through high school to disciple middle school girls (and be discipled in the process) was one of the highlights of my life. it is also the single thing i miss most about flower mound.

it breaks my heart to know that a summer job at pine cove just isn't in the cards for me this year. i've wanted to work there as long as i can remember...but this just isn't my year. we'll see if God leads me there in His own way and time.

i am so incredibly thankful that "success" actually depends solely on my relationship with Christ (a relationship dictated by grace, and by faith given me by the Lord). if it depended on grades, or work ethic in classes i really couldn't care less about, or what job i did or didn't get, or how clean i keep my room, or how well i stick to my diet...or any of the other things i can't think of right now that it doesn't depend on...
well, then i'd be a "loser".
fortunately for me, the victory has already been won. i succeed not because i do or have anything. on the contrary, it is because i am and have nothing without my Saviour. He IS my everything, and so i need never worry.
so, world: if i'm a loser by your terms, that's a-okay with me. your terms are skewed anyhow.

i know i've said it before...but i think that we have become very bad at encouraging people. i think we've forgotten in all our busyness how great it can be for someone to tell you what you mean to them. i think even though it might be scary, it's worth the risk. not because you'll feel better after you say something nice. but rather because by telling someone how much they mean to you, you can make their day that much brighter. what's more, it breaks down walls.
i would rather be honest and vulnerable with someone and feel incredibly stupid for it than never tell them and always regret it (for me, that's a big thing. me and vulnerability never did mix too well).

being a missionary has nothing to do with where you are and everything to do with who you are in Christ. it's so much more a lifestyle than a location. you don't have to preach Christ in Zimbabwe to be a missionary. the thing that is far more difficult than getting travel papers in order is living Christ out on a daily basis. point of being a missionary: live out Christ's love, and be conscious at all times that you belong to a place very much other than this one.
a missionary friend of mine said something i'll never forget: "I just love them till they ask why."
you don't have to go to China, or Mexico, or Europe, or anywhere else to do that. this whole world is equally NOT our Home. i wish i would live every day really KNOWING that.

something that struck me really hard the other day: rather than wishing for something "more," be ever so thankful of every tiny encouragement and blessing. if you stop seeking out marvelous moments in life, then when they come unexpectedly (as they should) they will be that much more marvelous. trust the Lord, let Him guide you through every moment. there's nothing He's incapable of leading you through.

i wish i could remember more often that every moment can be lived to the glory of the Father. then, after remembering it, i wish that i would actually do it.

i don't know if any of that makes sense when my brain tries to turn it into words. oh, well. praise God, as always, that "the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

"God has called us to come alongside people."

2007-01-23T17:13:00.000-06:00

*disclaimer: this post is incredibly long and consist of much unintelligible rambling.*

that's a quote from Rick McKinley in one of his sermons...it really struck me, because it's exactly what the Lord has laid on my heart this past year or so. i began to truly understand exactly what this meant on a couple of different occasions...

first: in my wonderful experience with my fellow team members on the Holland mission trip. together, we learned how when God calls us to love, He doesn't just mean an emotion. He means agape/hesed love...a love which is not felt, but rather acted out unconditionally on those who don't even "deserve" it. but how is this love acted out? well, that's the beautiful thing. the Christian life isn't just about being a "good kid," but rather, even moreso, it is about walking alongside people, sharing Christ with them. Christ walks alongside us...and we are to follow that example. of course, that doesn't mean that you participate in things you shouldn't be doing along with others...that would gain acceptance, perhaps, but acceptance isn't something we need. it means that you live life with people, WITH them,and don't turn away when they do something you don't approve of. rather, LOVE THEM IN ALL SITUATIONS. live out that love, don't just say it. THAT will make the difference. cause none of us is capable of always being a "good kid"...but to show grace both when you mess up and when others do...they will see who you really are in those times.
so who are we? what is our identity? as believers in Christ, we are children of God, accepted, adopted, beloved...i could go on and on. so....now it's time to live like we are who we say we are.
i'm still learning how to do that.

second: in many of my experiences in the music community here at Sam. one of the first times i was ever in the presence of Dr. Allen Hightower, he said something i'll never forget: "how wonderful, to give something to someone who is incapable of returning the favor." what a wonderful thought, indeed...to love someone, to show real, agape love for them...even when they are incapable of returning that love.
i must say i've learned how often i screw up when it comes to loving people fully. but identifying the problem is the step that comes right before fixing it-if i choose do to so. and i do.

third: on the occasions when i return home from school. i have realized more and more how awful a job i have always done of loving my family. but experiences like those listed above have helped me to notice that problem and learn how to change it.

somewhere in the gospels, it talks about Christ dining with sinners. people not accepted by society because of the way they live. when questioned about what He was doing, He said that it is the sick who need care, not those who are well. and He said to learn what this means: "I desire mercy, not sacrifice."

basically...to attempt to wrap this rambling up...i have learned just how much love doesn't just mean love. it means walking alongside people. it means showing them who you are and genuinely wanting to know who they are. it means realizing that you are not "better" than them, but that you know a God who takes us all, broken and messy, and makes us into people we cannot become on our own.

i like that. i like that He loves us in our messiness. if it makes any sense...to me it makes my mess more beautiful to know that the mess isn't forever. and i'm loved right now, i don't have to wait until i'm all squeaky clean to be loved.

*good thing He understands my rambling...sometimes i'm not even sure i do!*
"the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." --somewhere in romans 8? :)

"you're KILLIN me, Smallz!"

2007-01-10T19:08:00.000-06:00

so the past few days i've somehow gotten back into that (all too familiar) funk. i don't know why i'm in it...that's kind of part of the funk. but i don't like the funk. it's just no good. i want OUT.

funk, funk, go away...and don't come back. ever. k?

"what would you do for a klondike bar?"

2007-01-07T01:26:00.000-06:00

i leave for school in less than two days...and, let me tell ya, i am READY to be back there. i know it could be stressful, if i allow it to...but that's the beautiful thing about trusting in the Lord. i don't HAVE to let anxiety get the best of me. that's a lesson that i've had to learn, and sometimes relearn, a lot over the years. but i know that i've grown cause...i don't have to process it quite as much, generally. if i pull a stupid, and let myself get overstressed, i can recognize the signs quicker. and i know exactly where i need to turn--it's just a matter of doing it. so this semester: how's about applying what i've learned, eh?

it's struck me recently how this year, and in years past as well, the Lord has pressed upon my heart the concept of JOY. i can look back and see how it's shaped me. i can see the kind of person i was when i didn't choose joy, and the kind of person i was when i did. two very different people...i very much like the latter.

He's taught me about faithfulness...about His faithfulness to me, and about what it means to be faithful in my own life.

there are so many things, big and small, that the Lord has taught me. well, really, they're all big to me. and in the end, i have also learned to be thankful. thankful for what He has taught me, what He has given me, what He has brought me through. i am SO thankful for all the things He has brought me through. this year more than most. i look back onto 2006 and say a joyful farewell. joyful because of all the great things that happened, all the ways i have grown. and joyful, too, to leave behind all the not so delightful things i and my loved ones endured.

i am glad the year is new, because i find that i myself am a new person along with it. the Lord certainly knew what He was doing. and still does, i daresay. He's still bringing me through, and teaching me, and showing me His beauty. and praise Him for that! i have been so blessed.

i guess that's really what i want to leave you with. through everything, my gracious Lord has never failed to reveal His beauty. it has been revealed always in new and exciting ways, and it never ceases to astound. so with the new year, i ask you to look upon what the Lord has given you with new eyes, opening them to glimpse the beauty He has laid before you.

"How lovely is Your dwelling place, oh Lord almighty! For my soul longs and even faints for You! For here my heart is satisfied within Your presence. I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings! Better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house! Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere! One thing I ask and I would seek: to see Your beauty. To find You in the place Your glory dwells!...My heart and flesh cry out for You the living God! Your spirit's water to my soul. I've tasted and I've seen; come once again to me! I will draw near to You!"
--Better is One Day

"when it gets down to it, i hear background music when i see you"

2006-12-30T01:48:00.000-06:00

so...get this...i'm in Hawaii. BAH! so cool. as i write this...i am in my favorite place on the planet. listening to wonderful music, about to go to sleep. i'm SO blessed to have been able to come. my family has been blessed in a lot of ways this year. i love them all dearly.

yesterday my brother, susan, alexandra and i got up at 2 to go see the sunrise from atop the crater of Haleakala. when we got there, at 10,000 feet above sea level, i saw more stars than i've ever seen in my life. it was the most gorgeous thing...and after seeing 10 shooting stars i stopped even counting. amazing! we waited in the freezing cold to watch the sunrise, which was absolutely breathtaking and TOTALLY worth standing in the cold for an hour to see. but that's not all...after sunrise our group got on bikes and biked down the crater, all the way to a beach on the southern coast of Maui. at the top it was freezing, obviously, but we biked through all different kinds of weather over those 36 miles. we biked through clouds...saw the an entire rainbow--one end at the top, and the other end when we got further down. it was brilliant...near the bottom we biked through a rainforest, with the most lovely scents...by the end rain was pouring down on us. before the beach we ate the most fabulous breakfast of our lives at this restaurant called Polli's Cantina. i've never had bacon that good. the craziest thing...after finishing the trip, we had been up for what felt like forever...and it was only 11 in the morning. spent the rest of the day relaxing on the beach and visiting Whaler's Village. i have a lot of good/funny memories from that place...

today we slept in a bit and went snorkeling. as soon as we got in the water, there was a sea turtle directly beneath us! that NEVER happens here. i mean, they're here...but you just never see sea turtles. not just off of Ka'anapali beach...so, basically, ROCKIN AWESOME. all the gals got massages today. it was SO nice. oh! and we had authentic Hawaiian Shaved Ice. i got mango. :) i spent the rest of the day on the beach, reading (i finished one of my books!), walking in the sand, and sinking. yes, my favorite thing to do at the beach is when you just stand right within reach of the shorebreak and let your feet sink. it's beautiful, really. got to watch the sun set behind Lana'i. it's now my background on my phone...haha!

i love my Lord.
i love my family.
i love my friends.

so, beloved friends...have a blessed day!

thiiiiis.....didn't end up where it began. cool.

2006-12-23T20:33:00.000-06:00

so i was writing today...
remembering things, kind of in a sad mood because i've been mourning some losses in my life over the past 6 months or so. it's odd, really, how much i and the writing style changed from the beginning to the end of the entry. i apologize that it's so long. i also apologize for the style of writing...it's just kind of my random thoughts all over the page. may not make any sense to anyone but me...but in any case i felt like sharing it. :)

sorry. i can't believe i'm saying this. it hasn't really even been a subject on my mind for a very long time. i guess i sort of stay away from it. to keep myself sane? to help myself forget and move on? i don't know.

whatever the case, i...i miss the way things were. i'm different, since then. i've changed so much. over the summer i changed a lot...and now i've changed even more. i'm not sure, either, that all of it was for the better. however, i know some of it was. in the sense that...i've gained some wisdom. in most parts of my life i'm still a fool. but in a few things...simply because they're the things the Lord has been putting on my heart...i'm stronger. wiser. more of the woman God created me to be.
anyway...wow...i don't know how all of that just became a reflection on who i am instead of talking about what has been on my mind today. i don't let myself think about how much i miss it all, because i tend to get a little weepy (yeah, i know...i am a girl after all)when i think of what i've lost. in any case, it's lost. it's done. and it was all so completely out of my control. i guess that's kind of a huge thing to learn. none of the things happening lately, or all of this year, or for that matter all my LIFE, are in my control. it's all in the Lord's hands. which is really good, cause...i tend to kind of screw things up when left to my own devices. moral of the story? since it's not in my hands anyway, i should try letting go of my worries a little bit more. why hold onto something that's not yours? not eternal?

the things i should be holding onto...are those that last.
being an inconstant being, the only part of you that is constant is the part that does not depend on YOU. if you are a child of God, THAT is your only identity! you are HIS!! the Word details what that means and how it should look in your life. in the end, the fact that you belong to and depend on Someone OTHER is all that matters. because, honestly, most of the world depend on themselves. well...ALL of us do. most of the time, actually. and it NEVER works. not once. cause it's not in our power, really, to begin with.
so in short...i should be holding onto my identity in Christ--the only thing that will be sustained against all odds. in fact as i live my life daily, i continue to grow and mature INTO who i truly am in Him.

also, in the Word, (philippians maybe? gosh, i don't remember where) it states the things we should be thinking about. dwelling on. holding fast to. "If anything is pure, noble, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy..." i don't remember it all by heart. but we should be thinking on these things, it says. if i'm going to trust that those words, the very breath of the Father, are true, then i should be changed by it. funny...i should be CHANGING into this constant being. moving dwellings...like from a house on the sand to one built on solid foundations. those foundations are the pure things...the noble things...the lovely things...the admirable and praiseworthy things of the world. basically? all of those things point to the Lord. they all, again, remind me that i have to depend on Someone else. hmmm. interesting.

i like where this thought bubble ended up. much more God-focused, much less me-focused. that tends to be why i write. i have trouble expressing what's going on within me. and those things are mostly focused on little ol' me. but when i can express it in writing, i can take the train the whole way round--to where my thoughts point to the Father, as they inevitably will if i truly "ponder things in my heart" as Mary once did. smart girl, that Mary. i should take after her example a little more. recently she's been added to the list of people i would LOOOOVE to meet. well, one Day soon i'll meet more of my brothers and sisters in Christ than i could possibly imagine. CAN'T WAIT! yay eternity...let's go there.

ROAD TRIP! :)

UH mazing.

2006-12-23T15:43:00.000-06:00

so i'm currently in Oklahoma visiting the fam...

we always have...special...memories that are made whenever the whole clan gets together. we're all kooky in our own ways. makes for some good stories. sometimes the stories are kind of embarassing...:)...but they're always worth telling. i love the wonderful memories that we've made already, and i look forward to the rest of the time i get to spend with my marvelous family. i really don't see them enough, and the sad thing is...i'm going to start seeing less and less of them. what with most of us being off at college, some newly married and living farther away...you just really learn to cherish the small amount of time you can spend together over the holiday season. i've been reminded these past few days of the things i love most about Christmas...

my great grandmother, and the wild stories she tells from when she was young...my grandmother's pecan pie which, though it may make my stomach unhappy from the sugar, is worth every bite. that woman makes the best pecan pie in the whole world, hands down...seeing my younger cousins again, always astounded by how much they've grown...seeing my older cousins again, and remembering our childhood together...and being totally clueless as to how we got here so fast...fitting our entire family into my grandparents' small house...
actually having time to get done with all the reading i wanted to do...having time to sit and chat with the older, wiser ones who have so much wisdom to bestow...heck, just HAVING TIME...

as much as i can try to complain about the close quarters, or the fact that i'm spending most of my break away from the friends i haven't seen in months...i just can't complain. there's too much good here. too much heart. and whether i knew it or not, i missed times like these. i'm going to cherish every moment of it, because the next few years will fly by just as quickly as all of the others.

i love Christmas. :)

"none compare to You; with my heart and mind and soul i'll praise You!"

2006-12-08T08:47:00.000-06:00

sometimes people surprise you.
sometimes they know you better than you think.
on occasion...you wind up with a situation before you that you never would have expected, and you just don't know what to say.
sometimes when you don't know what to say...that's because there either aren't any appropriate words, or the appropriate words need careful consideration.
sometimes we can learn humility through the strangest situations...
a lot of times in those same strange situations we can learn a lot about ourselves.

from time to time...you get really, truly, thrown-off-your-rocker surprised. and you learn that the Lord deals best in what He had planned, not what you did. and you finally remember why you're always telling yourself that His plan is better. then, at least for a moment, you stop listening to all the lies being thrown at you on a daily basis...and you TRUST. you finally trust the plan that you should have been trusting all along. because whether you trust it or not, that's what's being played out in your life...and if you will trust it, if you will trust the Author of all hope...then you won't need to worry about pointless things.

last night i got really, truly, thrown-a-few-hundred-feet-off-my-rocker surprised.

somehow i don't think it will be the last time.

i am blessed.

so. today.

2006-12-07T19:32:00.000-06:00

"riff-raff, street rat, i don't buy that, if only they'd look closer...would they see a poor boy? no sirree. they'd find out there's so much more to me..."

"sometimes we build walls. not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down."

i have trouble writing blogs. no one would ever know...but i really do. i've lost count of how many times i have written a really long blog entry and then deleted it because...well...a lot of different reasons. usually the reason is that i'm afraid to let that much of my heart be laid bare in a public forum. even tonight i wrote an entire blog, and then deleted it to be replaced by the one before you now. it's one of my many complexes...the things i really love to write about never make it past anyone's eyes but my own. maybe someday i will write one of those truly open-heart entries and just hit the "publish post" button before i change my mind. maybe someday. we'll see. we'll see if i even publish THIS.

i don't even want to say how many times i have edited just this one blog entry. it's just sad.

'PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!'

2006-12-03T20:20:00.000-06:00

in the Wizard of Oz, the character that i most closely relate to...is the Wizard. i can't tell you how many times in my life i have been going along, doing my thing, when someone caught me for who i REALLY am...and i immediately started screaming..."PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GIRL BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" and spinning wheels, punching buttons, flipping levers...frantically...anything i could do to distract them from realizing that this girl behind the curtain was the REAL ME.

i can't say i had a city built for me, or had people worship me as an all-powerful wizard...but, let's be honest. if a reality like that were offered me, i wouldn't go back to Kansas either. considering all the things i dislike about myself...all the things i would NOT mind hiding...it would only get easier and easier day by day to get behind that curtain and turn the wheel, push the buttons, move the levers.

i don't think any of us are exactly handed a realm like what the Wizard of Oz had. but we tend to do it in reverse order...we think that maybe if we just get behind the curtain...if we put on the show...then the Emerald City will get built. the people will come and ask for advice. and they'll never have to see that, after all, i'm just some girl and the show is just that...a show.

the majority of my life i put on the show every single day. i think, if it makes any sense, after a while i got so tired of the show that i was waiting for a Dorothy to come along and figure me out so that i could just be me to someone. believe it or not...the Lord brought more than one of those people into my life, over time (each of them blessings, i tell you what...). and, over time, i've learned to come out from behind that curtain on my own a little bit. it's not every day. and some days it's not completely. but what's amazing is that when i allow myself out from behind the curtain...it's not as scary as i expect it to be. i actually like me a lot better when i'm just me.
the me behind the curtain...even with all the flaws that i know so well...is a little more beautiful, a little more genuine, a lot more passionate. i think i don't know the me behind the curtain as well as i thought i did. i only gave myself enough time to learn her weak points...and then i shut her up behind that curtain, before i could find out she's strong in a lot of ways too.

the beauty, genuineness, passion, and strength of the real me...plus a lot of other characteristics i'm still learning...all come straight from the Lord. they're not manufactured, like the self i put on display. it's just who i am in Christ, and it's beautiful. and i would like for that girl to be a little less afraid of opening up that curtain from here on out.

random. ha...what's new?

2006-12-01T18:15:00.000-06:00

so i'm pretty loaded with random facts as it is. but i have fun looking up new ones too. so today, dork that i am, after getting kind of excited about it i went a looked up some new ones. this one made me crack up so i thought i would share it with all of you:

an airplane mechanic invented the Slinky one day when he was working with airplane parts and discovered a secondary use for the springs.

ha!!! sorry. okay. hope that made everyone's day a bit brighter!!! it did mine.
:) :)

what's on my heart today...

2006-11-30T16:22:00.000-06:00

...is this:

"Heaven is not here, It's there. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next." -Elizabeth Elliott

i remember a story, and i don't even remember who i heard it from...but there was a couple who had been overseas, for missions i think. they had been gone for a long time. as they arrived back to the States the wife was sad because no one was there to welcome them home...and then her husband said, "it's okay. we're not Home yet."

there's another quote, too, that's brought to mind...by C.S. Lewis. it reads:
"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

yeah....THAT. THAT is what the wondrous Lord is putting on my heart today.

"they say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with the very first step"

2006-11-27T02:24:00.000-06:00

this week has been exhausting. i can't say that i exactly got the much-needed rest. so as far as getting some sleep...well...i'll do that later. over christmas, maybe? :) no, but seriously. but today i rest in the Lord, because that is the only place to find the rest i need.

i admit this week i've been pretty weak and lonely. at times i got kind of peeved at my family, which is sad, because all they wanted to do was hang out with me. but i was up to my ears in work and felt like screaming because i just didn't see a way of finishing it all. and what happened? i was so busy worrying i didn't finish. like i said, i didn't let myself rest this week. i also didn't get to see many of my friends, and then only for short periods of time. i pretty much isolated myself. i must say i've been pretty foolish. so, yeah...i'm sorry. i apologize for my foolishness and for keeping myself locked away in my room stressing about homework.

on a lighter note...our family had a lot to be thankful for this year. i mean, a lot. yes, there is always plenty to be thankful for. but we have really been blessed in our circumstances...my father has been through nothing short of a miracle. my mother is recovering from her surgery, slowly. and in so many other ways, we have been truly blessed. sure, we are not through some of the storms yet. but we have been delivered through storms before and will be delivered again. so, yes, my family and i are very thankful. and always will be.

praise God that He continues to bring people into my life who encourage me in my walk, and who i can be glad to have spent this part of the journey with. can't wait to see where i have left to go.

the beauty of the Lord!!!!

2006-11-19T02:08:00.000-06:00

God is beautiful in so so many ways.
tonight i got to see His lovely art displayed across the heavens in the meteor shower. it was gorgeous, and i have to admit the whole situation was not what i expected. because, frankly, i expected to just be sitting alone with my roomie chatting away until the wee hours and watching the gorgeous shooting stars. but instead the Lord presented a wonderful opportunity. our suitemate, who is absolutely amazing, was with us in our room before we left and we invited her to come along. so we got to hang out with her and get to know her better! she's so sweet. love that girl. we also made some new friends at the observatory where we watched the meteors fall...even though we couldn't exactly see each other's faces. haha. but we made some great memories tonight. viewing God's mighty works in all their splendor together, and enjoying each other's company. i can't wait to see how those relationships develop after tonight, too.

and oh, how beautiful His masterpiece was! if possible i have fallen even more in love with my marvelous Creator. i finally got to reflect upon some things tonight as i gazed at His beauty...and always the conclusion is that the Lord's name is to be praised! that i am viewing things as so much smaller than they are...(don't i need to remember THAT more often.)

i have a piece of artwork that was given me by my friend, which hangs on the wall above my laptop. it has the night sky lit with stars, and written all around it is Revelation 6:12-13...in fond memory of a wonderful conversation we once shared. a conversation about how, for lack of a better word, awesome it is to think that we have set before us all of this glorious work of the Lord...His beautiful creation...in which even each star is called by a name. that's how much He cares for it. and one day, all of it, every last bit, will come down in flames; it will all be destroyed...to make way for--get this--a Kingdom far more marvelous, far more beautiful. a Kingdom that will never end. new heavens and a new earth...and it is all going to be BETTER. i don't know about you, but i thought this was pretty stinkin amazing. i am pretty awestruck already at the Being Who can make what we have before us. but the Kingdom He is preparing...well, this doesn't even compare to it.

shakeadoo. what a mighty, awesome, BEAUTIFUL God we serve! and how i love Him! for i know that He loves me.
thank you, Lord, for such a day as this one! and for every day before and after! Your name be praised unto eternity! :)

NOW EVERYBODY DANCE! :)

2006-11-18T07:55:00.000-06:00

i could sing unending songs of how You saved my soul
well i could dance a thousand miles because of Your great love

my heart is bursting Lord
to tell of all You've done
of how You've changed my life and washed away my past
i want to SHOUT IT OUT
from every rooftop sing
for now i know that God is for me, not against me!

i could sing unending songs of how You saved my soul
well i could dance a thousand miles because of Your great love!!!

meteor shower!!!

2006-11-17T15:17:00.000-06:00

okay so check this out:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/11/17/leonid/index.html

yeah, fine, i'm a nerd. but i'm SO gonna be watching this. talk about AWESOME.

w00t. :)

"and suddenly it isn't what it used to be..."

2006-11-15T09:16:00.000-06:00

-i couldn't be more glad with how much writing i've gotten to do recently. the more i write...the more i want to write. and i love it. i think right now if i could have a whole day to do anything...it would be to sit outside in the midst of God's glorious creation writing and singing.
-yesterday was the most restful day i have had in a while. if looked at from outside it would appear like another one of my normal, busy days. but it was a different kind of rest. rest in the Lord, even if i have to be running around like a crazy person getting things done. and boy, did i rest well. still resting. :) (oh, and dancing too. don't forget the dancing.)
-i am aching for some new music. i love the music i have, obviously...but every once in a while if i don't find something new i just...ache. to add to the music that i have. that's another thing i wouldn't mind doing with an entire day...just go listen to new music, stuff i've never heard before...all day long. rock out to some new tunes. :) ooh! i am really in the mood to go to a concert. it's been oh so long. sorry. RANDOM.
-i am now fairly confident that i could point out the andromeda galaxy in the night sky. yes, i'm a nerd. but it's cool to be able to say that.
-today is going to be magnificent. because my Lord is magnificent. and all of myself is rooted in Him. so, depending on my magnificent Lord, i know i can look forward to a day in which i can live to glorify Him and praise His name with every breath. :)

<3kay

guess what?? it's time to dance.

2006-11-14T12:28:00.000-06:00

i've come back to the passage in Ecclesiastes a lot this semester..about how there's a time for everything...

recently i've gone through a period of time that was definitely for mourning. i definitely can't say that it could be isolated to one particular reason, either. but it was a time for mourning.
while not memorable as the greatest time in my life, it was good and healthy. because there's a time for that stuff too.

and now, after all of it, i can confidently say that it is time to dance. i'm thinkin a nice jitterbug would be good. :)

so, yeah, um...

2006-11-11T15:02:00.000-06:00

some of my dad's coworkers sent flowers today, and this is what they had written on the card. i love it:

"Remember, God heals and the doctors take the fees."

to keep you all updated:

2006-11-11T00:01:00.000-06:00

my dad's surgery was successful. he is of course only in the beginning stages of recovery, but he is doing well. we are so blessed to live in a time and place where we have doctors and medicines so readily available. it is awful to think that my dad might have been just days away from a heart attack...and for that matter, by all logic there's no reason he should have escaped having one thus far. but the Lord provided so abundantly, as He always does. Praise God!

goodnight loved ones...i'm so tired.

a quick note to ask for your prayers...

2006-11-09T18:08:00.000-06:00

loved ones...
my dad has been having some heart problems lately. it worried me from the start because, well, why wouldn't it? but i didn't know exactly how serious it might get. he went in for a fairly routine procedure today so that the doctors could see just how bad the blockage in his arteries is. one artery is 100% blocked and another is partially blocked. it was all explained to me very quickly and over the phone...but it's basically a miracle of God that he is alive. the doctors attempted to put a stint in the artery but there was a very high risk of blasting it open, resulting in need for emergency surgery. so instead, they decided not to do the stint. tomorrow morning my dad will undergo double, if not triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage in his arteries.
i won't deny that this scares me. i won't tell you that i'm completely fine with the situation...who could be? but i do trust in the Lord who has delivered us faithfully thus far, and will continue to do so. His will will be done. i am blessed enough to have circumstances which allow me to go home tomorrow morning and be with my dad around the time he wakes up. that, along with so many other things, i count as joy. and the joy of the Lord shall be my utmost strength in this time when i, admittedly, feel very weak.

<3 kay

...the songs in my head...

2006-11-07T15:58:00.000-06:00

mercy is falling is falling is falling
mercy is falling like the sweet spring rain
mercy is falling is falling all over me
(over me over me over me!)

hey oh i receive Your mercy
hey oh i receive Your grace
hey oh I WILL DANCE FOREVERMORE!!!

i have had that song stuck in my head since last night. i felt like sharing...hope you enjoy. :)
i love God!!!!!!

ooh sister act.... i love Him i love Him i love Him and where He goes i'll follow i'll follow i'll follow....
haha LOVE IT!!!

i think i'm gonna go dance and sing the day away cause GOD IS SO GREAT! my God is so BIG so STRONG and so MIGHTY there's NOTHING my God cannot do!!!!

"shoes. shoes. shoes. OMGSH! shoes."

2006-11-01T20:55:00.000-06:00

...i love being a music major. i'll take all the difficulties any day if it means i get the rewards too.
...i want to apply to pine cove for next summer, as a counselor this time. and i'm terrified to. sometimes it's good to do things that we are really afraid of. i'm REALLY afraid to do this. but i also REALLY want to do it.
...i will admit that i did exactly what i hoped i wouldn't do my first semester of college--i took on too much too soon. and it has had consequences. but thank the Lord, He is gracious, and picks me up when i fall. so i'm patching things up, one wound at a time.
...it is amazing the joy that can be given even in the darkest of times. i can look back, especially this year, on some of my darkest moments and note the incredible JOY that i had. maybe not initially...but through the worst of circumstances i have been brought into a more intimate relationship with my Savior and found joy and hope in Him and Him alone. the dark times still happened...storms still come...but i have my Savior--He is my rock and i can stand firm with Him even through those storms.
thanks to those who encourage me daily to walk by faith. i love you!

"well, tell that to the ficus."

2006-10-29T16:05:00.000-06:00

so it's pretty warm outside right? actually some pretty darn amazing weather. i love it. but get this: my house either doesn't have heat, or they're not running it. in fact, they've been running the AC all week! even when it was frigid outside, it was colder in our room! i've felt so ridiculous the past few days, wearing a sweater to bed, and wearing light layers around the house, then shedding a layer once i walk outside! even on cold days my CAR is warmer than my room. it's ridiculous.

all semester i've felt like my life has been kind of like a sitcom. this is just one of the ways in which it could be so. but hey, at least i'm laughing!!! ah, the stories i could tell. good memories. well, some of them. ;)

i'm adding to my 'lifetime to-do list'.

2006-10-25T22:06:00.000-05:00

i guess my astronomy teacher sort of got me on this for today in particular. but these are things that have been swimming around in my head for a while. things i'd like to do before i kick the bucket, aspirations i've got. this is not the full list... but this is the list in the best entirety i can give you right now. (no particular order on these.)

-become proficient at both piano and guitar.
-learn to play the saxophone.
-learn to play the bagpipes.
-become fluent in French.
-learn Italian, along with whatever Dutch i can manage.
-get in shape, and maintain it.
-see the Aurora...Borealis or Australis, either one, i just want to see it.
-live, at least for a while, as a missionary.
-go to Israel.
-learn to play soccer well.
-see Monet's house. (a four hour train ride from Paris, plus a 45-minute bike ride...they have day tours of the place complete with picnic lunch. get to see the Japanese garden...ugh. i've heard it's a lovely trip.)
-work with children. i've toyed with ideas of what this would look like...teaching music in an orphanage overseas pops into my head a lot...perhaps just teaching in an elementary school...volunteering with children's ministries? and so much more. i could write a lot about just that.
-graduate from college. it seemed like something simple when i was younger. but now i know that if and when i get to that day i will appreciate all that the Lord did to get me there.
-learn how to drive a stick shift.
-write a song (and complete it). multiple, even. but even just one...let's start there.
-go backpacking through Europe.
-meet the little girl our family started supporting through Worldvision when i was in 8th grade. she's not such a little girl anymore.
-learn how to paint.
-get married. have children. yes, i know, i'm a girl, imagine that...and i eagerly long for children, even when i know all of that is still a long way off.
-eliminate the word "like" from my vocabulary and gum from my diet.
-return to Holland. sometime.

there is more but i know this has gotten rather long and tiresome...so...what are some of the things on the very top of YOUR to-do list??

"mountains in the sky are next to mountains anyway"

2006-10-24T19:24:00.000-05:00

things that make me sad:
-my workout schedule has been not so good lately.
-my alarm clock forgot how to wake me up.
-i can't keep that cute kitten hannah and i found.
-i don't see tara walker NEARLY enough.
-in fact, i don't see any of those cool cats from spivey as much as i'd like to. (i miss you all!)
-since my schedule doesn't allow for everything i would like it to...one thing i had to drop from it (pretty much before i even picked it up) was the spivery intramural soccer team. which is sad cause i love soccer even though i suck at it.
-the fact that i suck at soccer.
-being sick. GROSS.
-i spend too much time on the computer (something i am working to change.)
-sometimes there's just too darn much to do! and i am bad at handling that.

things that make me happy:
-i can change the workout thing, with the appropriate amount of effort.
-kittens.
-tara walker. (even if she IS sleeping through theory class. and musicianship. and piano. and...what? i'm sorry...)
-my roomie.
-all my good friends from music classes and chi alpha and spivey. even though i don't get to see you enough, at least i've got ya! you guys rock.
-soccer.
-rain--it rains a heck of a lot more here than i remember it doing in Flo Mo. and in Huntsvegas, when it rains, it FLOODS. (and music majors still go to class. :) ha.)
-i'm blessed with so much to do that i can't even juggle it all. difficult, and saddening if i look at it the wrong way. but a blessing. i was SO bored this summer. now i actually have responsibilities, decisions to make...work to be done. thank you, Lord. (and plus, something not to be ignored...even though I can't juggle all of it alone...by the strength of the Lord you BET i can!)
-puzzles, apparently.
-taking pictures. lots of pictures, of anything. i like photography even though i don't know the first thing about it.
-writing. yeah. i dig it.
-singing LOUD. TOTALLY underrated, i don't care who you are. :)
-getting new music. i think finding new lovely music that i've never heard before just about rocks my entire face right off. yep.
-small group. i like it lots. and i'm going there shortly! yay.

i could continue these lists for a while and you could learn a lot more about me than you care to...but i will stop here. so yay! that was my blog for the day.

aw. now i'm sad. :(

2006-10-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

i fell in love tonight, and got my heart broken too...silly, silly me. hannah and i took a walk (a leisurely stroll, if you will) and as we were returning from said stroll, we stumbled upon a teeny kitten. yes! i know what you're thinking. we're stupid. but as it came trotting straight toward us we instantly fell head over heels for this poor little kitten and there was just nothing we could do about it. we named it Ali...yes, like "alley cat," but Ali. and Ali followed us home! she followed us down the street and right to the porch of our house. except, as you probably know, animals are not allowed in dorms. so alas, we knew we had to say goodbye. i will admit that for a while we conspired about different ways we could get her inside at least for the night. then we just resigned ourselves to the fact that we couldn't have her, but wanted to at least find a Petco...but it was about 10:30. so we had to leave her behind!!!! it was a sad, sad moment. alas, Ali. we love and shall miss thee. *tears up*

hokay, so...

2006-10-22T01:11:00.000-05:00

it seems that at the times when i am weakest...when i am beaten and broken...i am called to be strong. or rather, to draw on the Lord's strength, so that i may serve and love and encourage those around me. because what they need from me is not a girl who's sitting around complaining about the little storms that are going on in her life. they need a friend who will love them and build them up in the Lord.
so i am learning through all of this how to draw on the strength of the Lord rather than my own in ALL areas of my life, because i am so constantly needing it! maybe it is just that i am finally realizing how much i need it. but i really do need it constantly, and am learning day by day how to draw from Him all that i need. it is a beautiful and painful process, because at the same time i am learning just how broken i am. :) but what an amazing experience, to see my own brokenness and be confident in the knowledge that i belong to the only One who can heal it! Praise God for that.

...seriously?

2006-10-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

can you tell me...

when i don't wear makeup, does that seem to you like i'm making some sort of a statement saying makeup is evil and you shouldn't wear it? or perhaps do you, like a normal human being, realize that makeup is just something i don't bother with for my own personal reasons?
can i make something clear? i don't think there is anything wrong with other girls wearing makeup. i don't waste my time with it because, for me, all it would be about is impressing boys. and i don't live my life for boys...i live my life to serve and love and glorify the Lord. i don't see makeup fitting into that category. so...i just don't wear it. i don't boycott it, i don't tell people who do wear it that they should stop. i just don't like it.

and as i've said before, i DO NOT believe that makeup is necessary for a woman to be beautiful. and when i say beautiful, i don't just mean "well, TRUE beauty comes from within." while it is true that there is a real beauty about the individual within once you take time to get to know them...it is also just as true that all of us were created as masterpieces of God. and are all beautiful on the outside too. it doesn't matter if someone SAYS that we're not...if the Artist who created us claims us as His beautiful masterpieces, then my bet would be on all of us being exactly that.
so...makeup NOT bad...but also not necessary for beauty. outward or inward. so girls...stop feeling like you need to look a certain way in order to be beautiful. you already are, DEAL WITH IT. be glad in it, even! and guys...stop TELLING girls that they have to live up to a certain standard before you'll even glance their way. we all know that the one single standard (looking like the airbrushed models on magazine covers...) is neither attainable nor is it true. stop expecting girls to look like that, and stop telling them they have to. we DON'T have to.

PLEASE...could we actually start putting this into practice a little bit? can we teach the next generation of young girls to see the same beauty in themselves that their Creator sees, and not be afraid to share that beauty with the world?

ugh...i'm sorry...i could go on about this for a long time. issues concerning this have pained my heart for most of my life...
but for now i am tired, and need to sleep off this illness i've got for a few hours. i love you all...really, REALLY, i do. have a good night...day...whatever it is when you read this. toodles.

my "happy thoughts"

2006-10-21T11:18:00.000-05:00

i had a marvelous choir director in high school who taught me great things. he taught me great things about music, yes, and i will never forget that. but that's not what i mean. i learned more life lessons from him than i do from most anyone i know. mostly because he geniunely cares about his students, because he loves his job, and loves the Lord passionately. he really wanted us to learn. and i did learn. but one thing he taught me has really continued to come back to me over and over and over again...

last year i was a co-assistant director, or whatever you want to call it, for our high school's JV choir. i know in reality it's not a huge thing...but i love to talk about it because i think it changed my life in a big way. basically our director allowed my friend and i to take over the class some days or for parts of days and learn how to teach...by teaching. he helped us along our way. i think i learned more about myself than about teaching, though. :) i learned a lot from the girls we worked with--who i love with all my heart! they don't even realize how they changed my life just by being willing to let me lead them a little bit and learn from that experience.
anyway, the point of my story. :) see, all the knowledge of having learned from them and whatnot--kind of a hindsight thing. there were some days where i didn't appreciate this situation God had placed me in because, let's face it, any group of 60 freshman girls is hard to deal with. you've got to discipline a little bit, and sometimes a lot bit, before you can even get to the music. the truth is, all you really want to do is just get to the music and show them the beauty of what can be done with it. if they would just focus and let their hearts love the music and really dive into it...they could reach the potential that you know they have. and that potential is so much higher than what they see in themselves. THAT'S the frustration teachers get...not that we're just plain angry for you talking; we just want you to be able to go where we've gone without having to look back and regret wasting time getting there. does that make sense? ugh. anyhow.
on a day when i was particularly irked by frustrations such as these, i went into my director's office and talked to him about it a little bit. i guess it didn't occur to me that he might actually UNDERSTAND where i was coming from. but he did. and as we talked...he opened a drawer in his desk. he said it was full of "the little encouragements" from his students...pictures with them, letters or cards from them, whatever it was...it went in the drawer. he kept it all. and on days when he couldn't see why he was doing what he was doing, he pulled out that drawer--and remembered. he was there not to be loved by the students, but to love them...to allow them to find the same kind of passion for music that he had...no matter how long it took or how much it cost him. it wasn't about what it cost him, it was about the reward the students got from it. their reward was his reward.
he told me to keep an encouragement drawer, or something to that effect, because in truth the discouragement will come much more often than the encouragement. but that doesn't mean what was there to encourage you is gone. it is never gone--and it is in fact much stronger.
so i'm keeping a little drawer, or a box, or a folder...i don't know...of the little encouragements life brings. and when my life is not going "as planned" i can bring those things out and remember...i am here by the grace of God, to serve and love, and share my same passion for Him with the world...no matter how long i am here, or how much it costs me. and i am not alone in it. :)
thanks to all who have been such a constant encouragement to me. your encouragements are kept in my drawer.

"yes we'll gather by the river, the beautiful, the beautiful river..."

2006-10-21T10:11:00.000-05:00

went to go see our opera workshop's performance of an "Ode to Shakespeare" last night. it was uh-may-zing!!!! i loved it very very much! i am almost tempted to go see it again tonight...but i do have a lot to get done so i will just do my homework and cleaning. yay. :( lol so anyway, and i suppose this is somewhat due to the show last night, my dream was entirely a musical. it was something about how my family had gone dirt poor and had to move out of our house (of course, this was our old house, not the house we're in now...that's the only home i ever dream about still. weird). i had decided to become a penniless artist and was a quite excellent painter as a matter of fact. but for some reason the big bad guy (who happened to be friends with my brother...but my brother didn't know he was the bad guy, only i had figured it out) took all my paintings and laid them out in the pouring rain and they were all ruined. i left them with my dad, who was trying to fix them all, because i was trying to catch the bad guy in his evil scheme. obviously. and i see what his scheme is...but then my brother comes in! and asks him to help us move! so i'm trying to get a message across to my brother that this is the bad guy...

and then i wake up.

i know, my dreams are completely nonsensical. but for whatever reason, i felt like sharing that one with you! now you have to remember, the entire thing was a MUSICAL. song and dance all the way through. i know...wonky. but what can ya do?

so i woke up this morning to realize that i am in fact finally ill. i have that dreaded fall cold (sorry: "upper respiratory infection") that i await every year. i can see it coming for a few weeks before...and it lasts for like 6 weeks. ICK. but it's officially here, and i have to deal with it. so this morning i pulled out the box that's practically a PHARMACY that i brought with me so i could take some cold meds. and as i did...i felt like such a dork. cause i was singing to the medicine, in latin, "ad adjuvandum me festina, festina!!!" basically means come to my aid quckly. yes i am a choir DORK.

my breakfast tastes funny. GROSS.
have a nice day all!!! much love!!!

how about i try this one again, eh?

2006-10-19T20:12:00.000-05:00

i've been tired lately. and you know what? i'm tired OF it. i've gotten out of shape. i haven't been sleeping much. my eating habits have gotten a little too relaxed, which is expecially not good considering certain conditions i have with insulin. (no, i'm not diabetic. i just have a lot of random diseases. fun stuff, right? right.)
so i'm changing it. i've even got a plan for how i'm going to start living healthy again...cause somewhere it just seems that i got off track a little too much. about a year ago i finally got the motivation to lead a healthy lifestyle. when i got to school this year for some reason that lifestyle went down the drain.
well NO MORE.
it's not about the losing weight...i just want to be healthy. i want to be in shape. i want to be able to run and bike long distances. i don't want to be in fear of developing diabetes when i'm 40, and i don't want to feel ill after eating because i had a little too much of my simple sugars.
i'm done with being stupid. i'm changing it...it's going to be tough, but i'm changing it.

i'm sorry, i just really needed to say that aloud. maybe just so that i could have someone to hold me accountable for it. please...hold me accountable for it.

ah, the life of a music major.

2006-10-18T19:16:00.000-05:00

...it seems that only music majors laugh at the truly unintelligent jokes. and on top of that, we have our own special "music humor" that no one else gets.

...only music majors start talking about music around non-music majors and don't even realize the other people have no idea what they're saying.

...only music majors would end up having endless intense discussions about composers or music theory when we go out for coffee together.

...only music majors are myspace friends with modern composers. (eric whitacre, anyone?)

...only a music major like myself would be able to confidently say that nearly every guy i know at school is gay. there are a rare few exceptions, but even most of these really are and haven't admitted it yet.

...only music majors stay up until the wee hours of the morning, not because we are partying or watching movies or anything like that...but because we are practicing. or crying because we just don't understand our gosh darned theory homework!

...only music majors watch movies a second time through because we like the soundtrack.

...only music majors conduct along with a piece of music instead of dancing.

...only music majors harmonize with the campus bell tower as it chimes every hour.

...only music majors not only enjoy, but anticipate long rehearsals.

...only music majors would let an entire day be "ruined" because they're frustrated about a music class.

...only music majors make music no matter where they are, what they're doing, or what mood they're in. singing, humming, clapping, snapping, drumming on desks...playing kazoos...whatever. we be makin music mon.

...and only music majors would write a blog like this one.

"whatever i have, wherever i am, i can make it through anything in the One who makes me who i am."

2006-10-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

i'm the biggest klutz in the world.

yesterday it rained a TON here in huntsville...and i was very pleased about that, naturally. cause i pretty much adore the rain. but i was in a not so great mood walking to choir because i had all this stuff on my mind and felt like i didn't even have time to THINK...that's just kind of how mondays are for me. so busy i can't even process full thoughts. but anywho. the point of my story. :) i get to the music building and there's this massive puddle--but not too massive that one couldn't jump it. so, of course, i attempt to jump it.
and i WIPE OUT. it was hysterical. i wanted to just sit there and laugh for a while but i was running late, so i got up and went to choir, with my jeans soaked i might add!!! and i didn't really see a point to my umbrella anymore so i put that away. by the time i got up the steps and into the building i was drenched and my shoes squeaked on the tile floor. ha. i think i got a few funny stares...
it was pure greatness. definitely put me in a better mood for like the rest of the day.

and on a slightly other note...thinking about my clumsiness reminded me of another clumsy day in holland. when a soccer ball got away from me while i was sitting in a chair, so i reached back to get it...and then fell out of the chair...
i'm sure those who were there remember it. :) especially since they didn't know i was reaching for anything, they just thought i was an idiot who couldn't stay in my chair!!! oh, holland...

...on a completely other note...i'm going through some personal storms right now. beautifully enough, they're teaching me to trust and love my Lord so much more. but as i'm in the middle of my storms...i could use some prayer from my friends. i would appreciate it a lot. i love y'all!!! SOO so much. more updates on my clumsy life later. :)

"take my feet and let them move at the impulse of Thy love"

2006-10-16T10:04:00.000-05:00

...i went home this weekend. i'm SOOO glad i did. loved it. got to see my parents, and my brother, and some of my good friends...all very happy stuff. again very hard to tear away from at the end of the weekend--wanted to get back to school, but wanted to stay for like another week. basically i wouldn't mind just staying at home for like ever. but then i'd miss it here. so i guess i will settle for thoroughly enjoying every moment i get to spend there, and then coming back here and living my life because...this is where i need to be right now. so yeah. cool.

...God's grace is amazing. nuff said...or is it?

...i'm learning. i'm growing. it's hard.

DUH.

but it's perty cool. yep...pretty incredible to see the person i'm becoming through the most difficult things i'm facing...cause it seems like those are the ones that have allowed me to grow the most.

...i am finding who i am in Christ in some really interesting ways.

...i have the most amazing roommate ever. it is the most encouraging thing to come home to someone who knows me and cares about me and what's going on in my life and can actually relate to it. SO glad to call her my friend and sister!

i also have some incredible friends back home whom i love OH so much and who are a constant encouragement in my life...i am so thankful for all of them!!! i am so blessed to have them in my life, even if they are far away most of the time. it is my joy to have them as friends.

...school is difficult for me, more difficult than i've ever found it to be. sometimes i honestly believe that i'm not going to get by. i mean, i'm doing fine with the academics so far, it's actually my voice lessons that have become the biggest challenge for me. so yes...i'm scared that i will ultimately have wasted my time here because i will fail.

but i'm working on it.

i know that a lot of freshmen get overworked and overstressed, and i especially do so very easily. so i'm working on not letting myself stress out about it, and just doing the best that i can. i really am doing the best that i can. it just makes me sad, i guess...to think that perhaps here, where i love it so much, the best that i can may just be not near good enough for them.

if it isn't, i am confident the Lord will direct me in where to go next. and when i consider that...when i honestly take that to heart...my fears really are eased. it's just a matter of me actually remembering who God is. and that's a daily struggle for me, i'll admit it. sometimes hourly, if i'm having a hard day. but for today...i choose to have joy in the hope of His glory, and remember that He is faithful to direct my path now and always.

...sorry for the long blog. i think through things best sometimes by writing. :) have a lovely day all! much love. :)